The friendship recession | Richard Reeves

What do you think is the cause of the decline in friendships? How do you think we can address it (if we should)?

It’s not a decline in friendship, it’s the monetization of our friendships. You can meet at restaurants and cafes, you can rent tennis courts, pay green fees, pay gym fees, etc It’s actually hard to get together without spending money. Our culture has made everything transactional.

I went to dinner with a group of “friends” recently. Expecting a fun evening with good conversation I was subjected to five people scrolling through their phones complaining about people’s posts. On my way home I realized I would have had a more fulfilling night staying in watching CSI re runs.

A few years ago one of my oldest friends lost his job after coming down with heart failure. He spent a long, painful time recovering, and during all that time almost all of his other "friends" stopped contacting him or answering his calls. I was one of the only friends of his who tried to support him through that time. Honestly it seems as if most people nowadays just like friendship as a concept, but retreat anytime the need to act like a real friend shows up.

A mentor of mine, who was a psychologist for over 50-years once said to me, "If you have one true friend, you are luckier than most people."

Isn’t it amazing how “social” media, instead of connecting us, has become a barrier to real life and real relationships?

I have a good friend from Northern Iraq, Kurdistan. He told me his grandfather has met up with his best friend for tea and conversation every single day for almost his entire life. When my friend moved to Canada, he was struck by how intensely lonely and solitary our culture is. Interesting that this video didn't get into the cultural differences on this topic.

It's hard to maintain friendships over text messaging, for people of all ages. It's also hard to get people to commit to getting together in real life. People are too tired, they cancel, they leave you on read. It's very disheartening. When I was young we put in the effort to call, to meet up, to listen, not only 1:1 but also in groups. What a sad place we are at.

We’re seriously living in an awful dystopia. So many people are broke from living paycheck to paycheck in survival mode because they’re not paid adequate wages, are friendless, and can’t find a meaningful romantic relationship or even a date. Part of this is the rise in narcissism and transactional nature of society. A lot of people are also paralyzed from trauma, which stunts their ability to interact and relate. It doesn’t feel like much is being done about these issues.

This is because we romanticize romantic love as the highest form of relationship. Like, you cannot act intimately with someone, such as supporting each other, hugging each other, just being together always, without people thinking that you are somewhat involved romantically. And then, when one friend gets a romantic partner, they tend to forgo their other relationships, and outcast people who aren't partnered.

Also, friendship has been treated as a second class relationship. Look at all our books, movies, tv shows, etc. It's all one big push for romantic relationships, in whatever form they may be. You hardly ever see a solid friendship put forward as important or needed. If you have people who are friends there is always a push to make them a romantic couple.

I know many Millennials and Gen-Z find it hard to make friends and suffer from incredible loneliness. The internet and social media have made talking a lost art. I can remember the days before the internet where people actually sat for hours and had deep conversations. They also did in person activities together. True friendships are maintained by doing things together and giving up your precious gift of time. The internet has killed off a lot of it

I used to be a wildly social extrovert with a massive friend group throughout all my school years and 20s. There wasn't a person I wouldn't chat up and make friends with. Heading into my 30s, many friends started moving away or having kids (which I have not). Add to that the pandemic which further drove everyone apart and feels like the ultimate nail in the friendship coffin. Fortunately I still keep in touch with a handful of old friends, but it's a lot more surface-level (sending each other occasional memes/articles/videos, but nothing in the way of deep conversation like we used to have). Now that I'm nearly 40, it's quite hard to make new friends, and I've grown increasingly introverted. Not in the least bit shy, though– big distinction there. I can still chat up total strangers with ease and confidence. It's just that I don't really care to anymore. And when I do, it feels brief and superficial, and I almost always would rather be at home doing my own thing, working on personal projects or almost anything else. The idea of going to lots of parties and meeting new people used to thrill me a decade ago, but now that sounds boring, exhausting, and totally draining. But at the same time, I enjoy my time alone. I never would've thought as an extrovert growing up that I could become a total introvert. I think in many ways I kind of burned myself out from the first few decades of non-stop socializing, and have finally found myself in all of it – and turns out I actually enjoy just doing my own thing. I do love seeing old friends, though, it's just not the way it used to be.

To utter "I need a friend" is very hard because it implies that the person is not loveable. What a life to live in.

I very rarely felt equality in friendships. Often I felt like I was only there to sit and listen. I learned the hard way when my dad died and all my friends ditched me, even though I apologized to them for not spending as much time with them as before. They still ditched me. It's difficult to still hold hope for genuine friendships after that experience.

I feel like many people around me see friends as a substitute for a romantic relationship, and as soon as they find that special someone, they curl up into a love nest and start thinking they no longer require friends.

One thing I’ve noticed as an adult is that many friendships fall apart when one of them starts dating / gets married. Their world revolves around their partner now, so they have a lot less time for you and you’ll be alone. It’s hard to become friends with a mother / wife because their entire world is their children and marriage. They don’t care or have time for friendships.

I'm 27 and I'm pretty much friendless. I stopped being friends with my friends when I realized they didn't care about me, they wouldn't help me like I helped them when they need someone. I get lonely all the time but as I get older I just sort of accept that this is my life and it's okay to not have anyone, though deep down I know how wrong I am. Everybody needs a shoulder to lean on.

One important ingredient you need to develop good and meaningful friendships is time. In today's world, I feel like our available hours in each day to foster friendships have diminished significantly. We work two jobs, we spend hours in traffic, we put in overtime at work, we have aging parents to care for who are living longer, etc. Then, with the free time we do have, we have to prioritize with family, spouses, kids, pets, etc. Everyone says “you have to make the time” but a pie can only be cut so many times.

I lost myself in my last relationship and lost all my friends during this period. I've now realized a bit too late that a real friend is worth so much more than a lover.