Shame/Being Dirty/Doorbell Dread/Connection (Lasting Effects From Growing Up W/ A Hoarder Parent)

Thank you ALL for co-creating this safe community we have going on together! Every single person who comments and shares will be seen by me, and I'm sure others. You do not have to go through this alone any longer! A bit of clarification: The two categories "Fear Of Appearing Dirty" and "Fear Of Connection" are the effects I STILL struggle with even after leaving my childhood house and finding my own home. Sending all my love and the best vibes your way. -G 💕

I think hoarding is an addiction. I think every kind of addiction get in the way of intimacy. And like all addictions, hoarding takes up a significant amount of the persons time (in attempting to organise it, but really only to fit more stuff into their already crowded space) and money (never satisfied with their 'collection' and always wanting to keep adding to it) and they are really quite happy living a cluttered life. They don't know when to say enough is enough! It's such an incredibly difficult situation! A saying that is very pertinent to hoarding is 'whatever you keep a hold of, keeps a hold over you'.

I grew up never knowing what it was like to have a home because a home was something to be ashamed of and was for other people. I’m 45 now and my life has been a disaster which isn’t surprising because that’s where I started.

it's so amazing how we are so much alike. When I was growing up with my parent who was a hoarder, I was miserable. One thing that helped me was watching movies/tv shows, I was so immersed in them that I wanted to be the characters so bad. It definitely was a form of escapism for me. I developed a love for acting as well, and now my dream would be to become an actor. Unfortunately, I grew up in a VERY small town in NC, and I'm still struggling today and I'm still stuck here as well. I don't think or know if my acting dream will come true, but I do hope everything works out for you! If I ever get the opportunity to see you on the big screen, it'll be like watching myself. Thank you for your safe space, just like I commented on your other video, I've never related to someone so much. <3

I’m also adopted (at birth) to older parents. Mother was/is a hoarder and was also physically and verbally abusive. Everything you say resonates with me deeply. I’ve never had therapy, but I know I need it. Everything is overwhelming. I’m constantly cleaning my home but it’s never ever clean enough or organized enough. I’m glad you make these videos. I’m not alone 🥹🫶🏻

I relate so much, our coping mechanisms during our teen years were so very similar. I too am grateful for the way it strengthened my creative muscles, though. In regards to ADHD, which I was also diagnosed with and medicated for, I have learned that what appeared to be ADHD symptoms was actually CPTSD, and as I have worked on resolving the trauma response my mind has greatly calmed down and my ability to focus has increased. I just wanted to share that in case it's helpful to anyone else as they're healing 💜🙏 Thanks so much for speaking and creating a warm and welcoming space.

living with my parents the house was just filled with so much clutter. I barely had space for me. My room was their closet so I didn’t have any privacy or a chance to feel safe or comfortable. The kitchen never was a kitchen just a gigantic library of random things. Resulting in me not feeling comfortable in eating. Skinnier I got more I felt insecure when comments on my weight or appearance. I just felt so insecure and ashamed of my existence. I felt overlooked and disgusting. Living there I felt disgusted. Everything I see even tho I no longer live there I feel and see disgust like everything is contaminated. Endless cycle of not feeling comfortable like chronically uncomfortable. I live alone and still afraid of someone bussing through the door never knocking it’s like living life constantly on constant edge. Noticing the smallest things like a speck of dirty and instantly feel disgusting. I go on purges of just throwing away all my possessions because it reminds me of living there.

We end up great at problem solving.

I have a neighbor who is a hoarder and it is very hard for all of us living in the building. The smell in the staircase, the clothes moths and mice some of us get at our place... I could not even imagine what it must be like to live with one and be dependent on them :( It is always inspiring to see how people heal from their trauma, you are doing so well!

i can relate, my parents grew up during the depression, my grandparents saved every rubber band and scrap of paper. Our house was very minimum of furniture growing up because we had moved across the country and took the bare amt. with us. It was very clean. But when they retired and went into the antique business it got very cluttered and my mom became a hoarder and i worked 10 hrs 4 days per week, so i had 3 days off, i went over every 2 weeks to clean, it gave me anxiety, eventually all of us kids chipped in to hire a housecleaner for them. After my mom died, my dad hired an estate sale company to come take the antiques away and i remember a huge van coming with 4 guys and it took all day, it was surreal.

This is Gwen, not Mark. Escapism turned into a healthy creative imagination-me too. Insecurity turned into compassion and being a more approachable person-me too. God has taken what the enemy meant for evil, and turned it for good. I know not everyone believes as I do, but before I had God to help me figure out life, I was always nervous and never sure of how to act in situations. I always felt out of place. Now I focus more on showing other people love and look for ways to help, and in so doing, I rarely feel self-conscious about looks,etc.. And I finally had friends as the result! The thoughts you describe were almost identical to mine, and what has been particularly helpful for me as a Christian, is to learn to "hold every thought captive" and not let bad ones have a party in my head. Satan is described as the Accuser, Destroyer and the Father of Lies, and he is all too happy to point out our flaws and blow them way out of proportion and sometimes he uses our own voice in our thought life to hate ourselves. We are imperfect, that is true, but it is also true that God gets that we are not on His level and doesn't expect us to know any better. God is not mean but understands, forgives and helps us with stuff too hard for us to deal with-like a good Dad of a toddler that still loves our hugs despite our sticky grape jam hugs and kisses. I hope this encourages you back. Thank you again, Gayla for speaking up.

Your story is my story 😩. U articulate it so well.i am so depressed these people I stay with are making me nuts

I’m so glad I found your videos. I relate to a lot of what you talked about. I didn’t realize how much trauma I had about it until I started watching the show Hoarders and even though my house wasn’t as bad as the houses are on the show, I was extremely triggered when watching it and had a breakdown. I’m starting therapy next week and hoping I can work through all of the unresolved feelings I have about the way I grew up. It makes me feel better knowing I wasn’t the only one that went through this.

Thank you so much for creating this safe space to share experiences. I can relate so much to what you say, and wish there had been someone like you to make me realise I wasn't alone in this, or somehow to blame. Thank you again, it means a lot ❤️.

Thank you for sharing this! I am a senior in college still unfortunately living at home with my hoarding family. Sadly, my parent has no extra income to help me find a place to live, and they would not help me find places as they are adamant about "keeping the family at home". I'm kind of stuck, because the clutter, old food out, and their pet dogs that are untrained and messy are giving me constant anxiety. If I want to leave, I have to find an job and apartment and finance myself but with my current mental state I'm struggling to do the basics and finish my final semester. Watching this makes me feel so much less alone <3

You're such a beautiful person inside and out xx

I still worry when I have guests although my house is currently ultra-perfect!!

What a beautiful creature.

Wow I’m so grateful that I found your previous video (as well as this one) and that we are able to connect. Growing up in the filth and squalor of the hoarded home was distressing and very impactful for me as well. I experienced much of what you described, in my own capacity, from eating disorder (anorexia), being diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD in highschool, extreme fear of connection, ALWAYS thinking I smelled or fear of something in my teeth, on my face, or in my hair. The “fly” thing was a real fear for me too. That people would somehow know that we lived the way that we did, and of course the fly knew and could smell it on me and that’s why it was around. My husband and I met in highschool and I wouldn’t tell him which house was mine on the street. He would often tell me “you always think you smell and you never do! You smell good if anything” but I still couldn’t believe it, it just pacified the fear for another moment before we did something else (like go for a walk) and I would sweat a little and then think I smelled all over again. I spent much of my free time at other children’s homes for play dates and sleepovers every weekend and after school. I thought their homes were perfect and they had something special that we just would never had and I didn’t know why, but it was the way that it was. I’ve eaten spoiled, maggot infested, expired rotten food, and dealt with fleas and bedbugs. Lost lots of not all of my childhood memorabilia (including photographs and artwork) to being left in a heap outside in the yard and rained on, molded etc. There are so many more shared experienced that you have articulated in these two videos that I am coming to terms with myself. I moved out at 18 and and have only gone back to the home to care for one parent who lived and eventually died in the home (due to chronic illness unrelated to hoarding) and now I don’t go back to visit the other parent. That other parent is welcome at my home or to meet anywhere but I will not go in to the house (for now... I’ve done a lot to “help” the situation over there since my parent passed away and the parent who is still alive continues with hoarding tendencies and I am not able to go in there right now). Praise God, I married my highschool sweetheart, and we have two beautiful babies. I’m still in my mid 20s and I know there is SO MUCH to come out of the journey of neglect and abuse in childhood from growing up in a hoarder home. The total fear of anyone coming to the door has led to positive habits in our household where anyone is welcome anytime. I’m no longer afraid if people see inside the home (or come up to the porch)... we invite neighbors and friends and other family inside all the time. We live very minimally and our items all have a place. The home is healthy, in order, and a safe place for my children to play, and THAT is very empowering because I thought I would NEVER have that. I thought it would be impossible for me to ever shake the hoarding tendencies of my own or to ever become organized but those are lies instigated by fear. It is totally possible. With God, ALL things are possible and Praise Jesus because He was there the whole time. He is the reason I have been able to let go of resentment and anxiety, and total rage and anger. I was explosive during my teenage years, similar to what you described and praise God, I do not yell or engage in arguments on like that anymore. One thing I work on daily is the fear of making a mess. Now, with two babies in the house, I have to overcome letting them play, get messy, spill food, and smear it around, spill water out of the bath, take toys out, etc. and deal with the recurring fear that the mess could turn into mold, or attract ants or rats etc. if not taken care of immediately. I’ve practiced giving my children the free space to play, and teach them the importance of cleaning up and respecting our things before we move on to something else, but internally, as soon as something spills... my insides cringe because I remember the filth of the past. Thank you so much for your content and taking the time to share the vulnerable journey you have been on in order to allow for others to share as well. Lots of love to you, and I look forward to continuing this journey together!:)

After watching your video, I'm thinking about the clutter I have myself. It's hard for me to get rid of things of value even if I'm not using the items. I move stuff from house to house. I've given a lot of stuff away. I've had two garage sales. I still have one room full of stuff that I don't need. I have a garage full of boxes. I've started going through things and giving away the most useless items (for me), but useful to someone else to a thrift store. My siblings have hoarding tendencies too. My middle brother's wife makes him get rid of stuff from time to time. Their home is clean. My younger brother's house and garage can't even be walked in because it's so bad. They lost a grandchild and that's when the hoarding began. My sister's husband won't allow her to keep much of anything. Her house is clean, but her sewing room is a disaster. All 3 of my brothers have or had a gambling addiction along with my sister. Does that have anything to do with hoarding? I do think Mom collected stuff as a way not to be close to anyone. My alcoholic dad cheated on her. I think she disconnected then. I do not get close to people either. I keep everyone at arm's length. I'm just realizing these things by watching hoarding videos like yours. I am 68 years old. I also dread people knocking on the door. I think that stems from feeling shame if anyone came into our home as a child. My home is clean, but parts are cluttered. We have a dog now, just got her a few months ago. I am always worried if the house smells clean enough. I hope you keep making videos. They are helping people. You are giving us a space to talk about things with people who understand and won't judge us. I am still searching for answers. I do have rage at times. I always wondered where that came from. A lot of things you say resonate with me.