Kyle Can't Play Basketball - SOUTH PARK
1,693,784
Published 2021-08-10
"Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina" S09
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EXT. DENVER CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
The large electric sign outside of the convention center announces 'All State Basketball Tryouts' in flashing and animated letters.
INT. DENVER CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
Kyle walks into the arena wearing a little basketball outfit. He is flanked by Stan, Kenny and Cartman, and holding a basketball. There are several people visible in the far background. Kyle looks nervous as he walks in.
STAN
Dude, Don't be nervous.
KYLE
How can I not be nervous? Trying out for the All State Team has been my dream for YEARS.
STAN
You're the best player at our school dude, you'll make the team for sure.
CARTMAN
This is ridiculous, Jews can't play basketball.
KYLE
I BEAT OUT YOUR FAT ASS, CARTMAN!!!
A whistle sounds and we cut to a shot where a couple white adults with basketballs and all state jackets are standing.
OLDER MAN
(lowering whistle)
All students trying out for the All State team to center court!
Kyle dashes toward camera.
STAN
Good luck!
Kyle runs to center court and all the other players rush in around him, so everyone is in a line with Kyle in the middle. Except for Kyle, every other kid is five to six feet tall and black. Kyle looks around nervously as the kids all group around, some holding balls and some dribbling.
Reverse to a tall white basketball coach, holding a basketball and wearing an all state jersey.
COACH
Hi boys, now you're all here, because you are the best of the best--
As the coach talks we PAN along the faces of the young black players. We pan along several faces, and then past the very top of Kyle's hat which is all we can see of him-
COACH (O.S.) (CONT'D)
I know that you have all worked very hard to make it this far. Now let's get out there and show me what you got!
MUSIC starts to play as the kids all split up into two teams. The black kids all start playing a game of basketball, looking like total pros with Kyle running around in the middle.
Finally, a kid passes the ball to Kyle. He dribbles the ball and shoots! But a tall black kid who is guarding him just takes it and dribbles away.
Now a wider shot of all the black kids playing hoops while Kyle runs around in the middle trying to be a factor in the game.
Meanwhile, the coach is talking to the other coaches, looking at a clipboard and then he steps forward.
COACH (CONT'D)
Uh, Excuse me... Broflovski is it?
Kyle stops in a wide shot while the kids play around him and looks at camera.
KYLE
Yeah?
COACH
Can we talk to you a minute?
Kyle walks over to the coach.
COACH (CONT'D)
You uh... the best player in your school are ya?
KYLE
Yup! I love basketball. I wanna play for the Denver Nuggets some day!
COACH
Yeah, uh, Look, kid... You've got great skills, and a great attitude; but you're just not PHYSICALLY built for the game.
KYLE
What do you mean?
COACH
Well it's just that-- Jews can't PLAY basketball.
The coach blows his whistle and walks back toward the black kids playing the game.
COACH (CONT'D)
Alright, kids, we gotta work on that shooting come on--
VERY SAD MUSIC starts to play as Kyle lowers his head and walks away.
INT. DENVER CONVENTION CENTER - DAY
Still wearing his basketball outfit, Kyle leans his head against the wall of one of the breezeways.
The boys walk up, Stan and Kenny in front of Cartman.
STAN
Dude, you were awesome, Kyle.
Kyle doesn't say anything. The boys all look at each other.
STAN (CONT'D)
Look, you gave it your best shot, right? That's all you could do.
But Kyle doesn't move. The boys look at each other again, Stan motions for them to go. Kenny puts his hand on Kyle's shoulder and then both of them walk away. Cartman watches them go, and then looks back to Kyle, who doesn't move.
Cartman looks around not sure what to say to Kyle. Finally, he gently takes a few steps forward Kyle and holds his hand out To Kyle.
CARTMAN
Nya nya nya nya nyaaaa nya! You hoo hoo hoo LO-OST! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa ha!
Kyle doesn't move at all. Cartman stands there and smiles at him... Then loses his smiles.
CARTMAN (CONT'D)
Kyle... I'm totally ripping on you at a totally inappropriate time.
KYLE
I know. I deserve it.
CARTMAN
Yeah, you know why? Because Jews can't play basketball!
KYLE
You're right.
Cartman thinks for a while. Then looks down at the ground and walks away.
CARTMAN
Jesus, that's no fun.
All Comments (21)
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Watch full episodes of South Park: cart.mn/episodes
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Love how Kenny tried to comfort Kyle
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Cartman is so caught off guard that Kyle agreed with him he feels defeated
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To this day I cannot even think about Kyle's "knees" exploding without squeaming in discomfort. By far one of South Parks most underrated visual gags.
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In all seriousness, telling people they don't have the physical gifts for a sport must be really hard.
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Cartman wasn't sad due to sympathy for Kyle, he was sad because he couldn't get an angry reaction out of Kyle.
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Surprised that Kyle’s dad didn’t sue the team for committing a hate crime.
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Just wanna point out Kenny was the best friend there. He didn't say anything, didn't try to pick Kyle up or point out an condescending silver lining, he just put his hand on Kyle's shoulder in a "Hang in there buddy, I'll be here when you need me" kind of way.
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It's always funny when Cartman's stereotypes is proven right in South Park.
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0:50 HIS LITTLE RUN💀
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Kenny comforting Kyle was wholesome tbh
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Fun fact:The Idea of Kyle playing basketball came from when Trey Parker wanting to play for the Denver Broncos, as a kid
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I love how the other kids playing basketball were taller than Kyle and actually looked like the real height of real-life children, and meanwhile there's Kyle:smol.
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He's really good at basketball
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Cartman said it best "Jesus , that's no fun"
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Cartman actually looked sad for kyle before he started making fun of him
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The most gruesome part of this episode was the fact that Kyle went onto have surgery and did a "reverse Michael Jackson", just so he could compete in the sport
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Kyle actually did do awesome, especially given he played against boys five years his senior and five times his size.
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Love Stan's attempt at comforting his friend
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you know it's serious when Cartman can't get a laugh at other's misery
