Adoption, DNA, and the impact on a concealed life | Ruth Monnig | TEDxDuke

"you are adopting a child not a solution." We are real people. We grow up. Stop erasing our stories and our lives. We didn't just fall from the sky. We deserve our heritage, our names, our original birth certificates. We deserve our identity.

As an adoptee just hearing you speak the same words I feel is so validating. Thank you for sharing.

This is the first time I've understood myself in 42 years. I was treated for bipolar from 12 to 36 years old (misdiagnosed). I now know I have untreated ptsd. This video has helped change my life. Thank you.

As a late discovery adoptee, I assure you that it was FAR worse than finding out that there was no Santa. I didn't find out that I was adopted until I was 32. It was like getting kicked in the chest by a horse. Adopting is not your cure to mental health and fertility issues. We aren't your "right." Having children is a privilege that not everyone deserves.

I was adopted by a mean woman and loving father. I recently found my birth mother using a private investigator. But the experience was costly and devastating 😢 💔 she didn't respond to any of the was I tried contacting her, she still doesn't want me. I'm so broken and no one I'm around understands 😭😭

As an adoptee, I felt unaffected until I became a mom at age 36. That was profound when met the twins I carried. Nurture is undoubtedly important, but nature should not be ignored.

No one should have to go 18+ years without knowing where and from whom they came from. Secrecy and sealed records that prevent someone knowing their identity is a crime!

I am a grandmother who lost her grandchild to adoption even after begging for kinship care. I tried to explain this to them but they refused to even listen. I lost my son and grandchild the day she was born.

Everything you are saying resonates with my entire being. Just wow. Thank you so much. I’m only 25, and I always knew I was adopted. But I’m only now having the courage to investigate my trauma, those underlying patterns of behaviors that sincerely prevent me from loving myself wholeheartedly. You said “if you’re an adoptee, find other adoptees.” How? It feels like when I do find another adoptee, they aren’t willing to talk about it. It feels like everyone adoptee I’ve met growing up has been well adjusted, doesn’t care/doesn’t seem to be affected by it, etc. I just feel so completely alone in my emotional struggles.

Ruth, my name is Debby. I've just joined thought leaders and listened to your talk. There is so much I want to say to you but mostly Yes and Amen. I am a birth mother about to see my 37 year old son and his wife at my parents' 60th wedding anniversary party today. My parents required me to give him up in 84. So many layers. I desperately wish everyone knew then what we know now. Thank you for bringing the truth to light. Identity, restoration, belonging and cellular "knowing". I hope you and I can connect. Congratulations on your poignant and vastly important talk.

Just to let others know who may be reading this, most natural mothers and fathers DO want to know what happened to their children lost to adoption, almost 100% according to statistics. I am very sorry that your natural mother did not want to meet you Ruth. Thank you for getting the truth out there about adoption. Great job!

eesh. thought i was alone with this! the identity crisis is real and will probably never go away. thank you for this talk.

I am an adoptee, and this TedTalk hit so hard. Thank you for sharing this and validating so many people!

I have almost the same story. My birth father wasn’t told about me. He was in Vietnam. My birth mother got rid of me. She had more means and opportunities than my adoptive parents. She was unwed in the 60’s and that was shameful at the time. When it was legal I looked but was shut down. My birth mother threatened me with a restraining order if I tried to find my family. She’s dead and I did find them all. Her shame kept her silent. She is now voiceless and her cruel behavior is her legacy.

Well said and thank you. I'm a reunited adoptee of 31 years now. Still working out who and what I am. I sought out an adoption friendly therapist in the early years and also a support group made up of adoptees and birth mothers. These two things were life savers for me. Recommend others do the same. Be king and patient with yourselves as you navigate your feelings and emotions. Matters of the heart only heal and repair at the hearts own pace. It took me about 5 to 7 years for my heart to come to terms with being reunited and accept all the new (familial) information. So be patient with yourself and don't try to rush it. Love to everyone on their personal journeys. Love Bob

this is POWERFUL. you are the perfect messenger for this topic. thank you for the hard work you put into this! don't stop now!

This is extremely well put and resonates. Thanks- fellow '64 adoptee

Great talk. Great validation as an adoptee. Thank you. I also found out I am still a secret and rejected by my mother once again. It’s a life long wave of emotions… yes, and 👍

I'm a 53yr old adoptee and it's only occurred to me recently that it wasn't Me, this I, who was chosen. It was 'A Baby'. I was a wildly unprepared understudy for the girl who never was. Here's a poem I wrote about closed adoption, 'Borrowed History' A borrowed history A second hand life A true heritage denied This stranger sapling grafted to your family tree. And the story told to them and me... “You are special, you were chosen, we were lucky” So you won. Here's your prize. A commodity baby, a charity child Love conditionality and gratitude implied Woken from connection and amniotic peace To a secret story of threefold grief

Tremendous. What a voice for the adoptee community. Well done!