6 reasons it’s hard to ask for what you want…

Is people pleasing hurting you? Hear my story: https://youtu.be/KKhFxnTlgtE?si=v1kvdLaPl7ZDkWtd

I always feel like I'm bothering someone if I need something. I have to thank my parents for that.

I struggle with asking for ANYTHING because growing up, my mother weaponizes them against me. She still does. That’s the main reason for my fear of asking. My feelings were often dismissed and invalidated, I was mostly told I was being selfish if I asked for things.

I was raised to not bother my parents for anything. It was always about putting my parents first!

I was repeatedly told by my mom "don't feel that way" "that's not how things are" "don't think that way" and when my grandpa died when I was 6 my mom told me it wasn't okay for me to cry and be so sad because it was my dad's dad and I needed to think about what my dad was going through. At 54 almost 55 I am just working on processing all this and learning about feelings, how they feel, and what's legitimate.

As a child I was not validated, at all. I was not permitted to take space, to feel I mattered, I was a human shield for my mom against my dad. I felt very much alone, not supported and was continually belittled. So I don't count on anyone, I sort my stuff out on my own, I don't ask for help, I can spend hours in my own head space, I'm a control freak from having had to manage on my own

I struggle with this, part of it, is my fear of rejection. Since I was raised to not ask for anything at all. When I would ask for something, it would always be a "NO!". Hell for my 15th birthday, I asked my parents what I got, and my dad told me " I let you live another year" So asking for anything is very difficult.

I struggle with asking for help or assistance. It makes me feel embarrassed and in cases as “weak” or unintelligent or just simply insufficient. It’s an awful and crippling feeling. As a result I may do half-ass tasks, poor execution or just simply unfinished tasks. This still affects me on a daily, specially at work. Constantly “under performing”. It’s scary and stressful. 😣 I’ve been told since childhood that I’m a “know it all” but only if they knew that it’s the total opposite… I struggle with being honest and admit that I don’t know something or lack the ability of knowing something, just so that I’m not seen as “dumb” slow or unintelligent. That’s all.

I have all of these feelings. I don’t ask anyone for anything. If I can’t provide what I need for myself I don’t have it. To have someone available for emotional support seems like a luxury I can't afford. I often feel like I am too needy but it's not like anyone is actuality burdened by it. Having an extremely narcissistic wife for 27 years certainly didn’t help. Thank you Katy for this channel and sharing your wisdom.❤

I was never asked my opinion. My father once said, "Who do you think you are!" It was quite clear I was nobody. When I asked my mom to teach me to sew, she refused. When I asked her why, she only said, "You know how you are." ????? I did not have a clue "how I was." When you are never asked how your day was or how you were dealing with your dad's death, you don't know you have needs that matter. You don't ask because you don't know you could.

I can not be emotionally neglected, except by myself. I have no friends, no girlfriend. But, this is done by design. Now, it is impossible to ever be used, betrayed, abandoned, neglected, nor lied to because there is nobody there to do so. Humans do not realise just how vulnerable they are when they are with friends or a mate. I learned my painful lesson. I will never seek amicable nor amorous companionship ever again. The risks are far too high for a benefit that is far too small. I can emotionally neglect myself. No outside interference is needed, nor desired.

I struggle a lot with the fact that I know how I remember my childhood, the things that happened, the things I felt, the way things that were not there or lacking, but I when I ask questions about the things I remember, how I remember and the perception my mother always tells me they were not like that, matter fact she always paints perfection on all the things I perceived. I struggle a lot with this because I feel as if my perception and my reality continuously gets invalidated, to the point that it makes me question myself. It's incredible that I still struggle with that invalidation and it is so hard upon me that I do not trust myself.

I was taught as a young lad that I could NEVER have what I want because I didn't deserve it. My mother made it clear before she died that I would receive tough love because of how my deadbeat daddy was. She beat me so much, so long and so hard, when I was a kid, I just became compliant until I was 22. Now I'm 35 and I'm a screwed up individual. 😢

I’ve been invalidated and ignored A LOT when growing up, and now as an adult too of course. My family doesn’t respect me, but I’m disabled (asd) so I’ve got no choice but to live with them for now. But of course they aren’t all bad, and are nice in some ways.

I said yes to all your questions. Thank you for doing something on emotional neglect. If emotional attention were food, I'm starving.

"Sarah's" story is my own. I definitely feel I cope using toxic independence, especially as the work I do encourages it, and exploits it. I ended up parenting my Mum after her Mum passed away when I was 12.5yrs old. She also always pandered to my narsisitic Step Dad when he was there, then bitched about him endlessly behind his back to me. As for asking for anything or relying on her for anything, or having big emotions near her - forget it - I'd be making her feel worse. I've developed a very flat affect as an adults, and outside of work roles that I feel I have to play act doing, I just avoid interactions now - too much anxiety about getting it right and not being a bother to others. It's a lonley life tbh, I used to cope with it better having a pet but now the rental market is so bad that I'd be unlikely to get a new sharehouse if I had to move on again if I had a pet too. This episode has hit hard, but I think it was the mirror I needed.

I struggle with everything. Growing up in my house my coping mechanism was to fade away, be invisible, do not stick out, or you will be yelled at. Later I didn't know how to express my feelings and emotions or concerns so I was a human doormat and people pleaser because I wanted to help everyone more than people helped me. At the same time I never asked for anything or any help. I work on it. No more people pleasing and I ask sometimes for help if it is a last resort and emergency 😅😊Thank you for highlighting it so clear.

My dad was emotionally unavailable because of work (and his what I know is generational trauma). My brother moved away when I was a very young age and basically dropped all contact to my parents and me. My mom emotionally neglected me and emotionally abused me. I wasn't allowed to show "bad" emotions, only "be happy and smile". So I learned how to mask my emotions. When I started talking about how bad I feel mentally, my mom always ended up talking about how bad her life was and how she didn't end up with depression so I "should quit that bullshit". That all and some other traumas resulted in me having (quiet) BPD. The people I told this all said "I did not except that you have it" because I never show my true emotions. I rather suffer in silent than telling someone about my emotions; it's almost my (unhealthy) pride at this point to mask my emotions.

I feel as though as a 40 year old woman that I should be able to handle things on my own. I know that if I ask for help, as I did as a child, my requests would be rejected and thrown back in my face. I would be ridiculed or told to GET OVER IT. So I stopped asking for help from my family or my ex spouse, who were the only people I was allowed to have in my life. Now that I am working through my childhood trauma and all that awful stuff, I have friends again. I am able to tell them how I'm feeling or what's wrong, and if they don't completely understand, they are aware of my struggles. I can ask my friends for help, and, though it terrifies me to ask, I'm more stunned that they DO help. Asking gets easier. Of course, I am still hyper individualistic and self reliant, but I am finally recognizing when to ask for help instead of taking on everything by myself and becoming overwhelmed. Thanks, Kati!

It's hard because I have never had anyone to ask. And I still don't have anyone.