How to Listen Without Arguing [Acknowledgement is not Agreement]

The goal of "making the other person feel heard and understood" is misguided. And it stems from the original problem, which is the habit of projection, also known as seeing all problems as if they are "out there" in other people. So the true goal must not be to make someone feel a particular way. That's manipulation. The true goal is to hear the other person without interference from our own often conflicting needs, and to gain understanding of what it might be like to be them in that situation. Do those things authentically and the other person will sense it. How they feel about it we must not assume, nor make the goal of our effort. The change must be "in here", not "out there".

A few times where I needed validation, just to be heard, understood…a person has disagreed with a detail and couldn’t even move past it to hear what I was meaning. They got distracted by a perceived threat (that I did not anticipate) and was focused on that, stated their mind on it…and I felt the whole point of me sharing was lost. My friend had asked if I had seen any shows lately, that was interesting (note, she did not specify for interesting for herself…and I felt she meant interesting for me). I mentioned ‘Chef’s Table’, in particular one with a Buddhist nun. I said how I enjoyed the peace, routine, simple cooking, and so on. (This is within context of much uncertainty and difficulty in my life due to a child with special dietary needs and liver issues…we have constraints many can’t imagine) The simplicity, peaceful environment, lovely garden all spoke to me. My friend is a Christian. I was raised as a strict Christian, but don’t identify as one now. She has spoken of doubts a few times, so I didn’t know that another religion being as the backdrop would be so threatening. Had no idea. I didn’t send it to promote Buddhism (even though I admire much about it)…but to show the peace and simplicity I long for. I’ve shared my extreme challenges and she’s said how tough things seem for me. Unfortunately, she couldn’t keep that awareness front and center in my sharing regarding this show. Her response was “I don’t find Buddhism appealing”. I was blindsided. I hadn’t sent conversion material, or even spoken to the Buddhism aspect. I spoke to the general sense of peace that spoke to me. I would’ve preferred if she’d asked what I liked about the show (even though I’d said peace, etc had spoke to me) and had validated that given my circumstances, she could see why that might appeal to ME. When I carefully called her out, eggshell walking, she kind of apologized…but also stated she doesn’t speak up for her opinions much, so she wanted to. I have no problem with her speaking up and saying Buddhism isn’t appealing to her. It was the timing. It was at the expense of connection and hearing the value of what that episode meant to me. It was the self-protective posturing that created a barrier. It would be different if I was putting down Christianity, trying to convince her to believe differently…but it wasn’t anything like that at all. Buddhism was just the framework of the episode I liked. She disagreed with the Buddhism aspect, but I wasn’t presenting it as something to agree with or not. I was simply saying that something spoke to me and why. That kind of inability to listen, due to distraction of a perceived potential disagreement…can cause a person to shut down and not share anymore. I know too, that if I ever wanted to become Buddhist, I couldn’t safely share it with her. Just that alone would be potentially seen as a threat. She wouldn’t “agree” on my own choice for myself…no one else. It’s hard to feel you have to modify for others intolerances…when you are open yourself and don’t take other religious beliefs, lifestyles, etc personally. I’m ok with others believing differently, discussing it respectfully, learning. I actually usually like it. I only would have a problem with someone trying to convert me, or impose their beliefs onto me. Anyways, it’s hard to be invalidated and doubly hard when you didn’t see anything disagreeable about how/what was shared. I was being vulnerable…and their “opinion” stomped on that.

Empathy is very freeing ... we don't have to agree/disagree or even fix. Sometimes it is enough to just make them feel understood. I work with addicts who their default is a difficult coversation. Chris Voss and you helped greatly.

6:31 This video guided me through another fight with my Dad as it was happening. "Halfway through the video, I have applied this. Without blaming it on stress, I am under a lot of pressure. What has happened is very serious, and I plan to continue doing l the right things to manage it. I could come here to blame you, but it would mean so much more if someone acknowledged how __ I have ____. "

This is supportive therapy. Period. Perfection. Please do more videos like this! Thank you so much!

This content is a gift to my relationship life! I’ve been sharing your videos to friends and family throughout my week. They’ve been learning new things as well. Thank you for being transparent in sharing your experiences and expertise in communication! You are a Godsend! 😊

Thanks for what you do. This is a channel I am grateful to have found.

This is incredibly helpful content. Thank you and please never stop making these videos. You deserve so many more subs. You're giving me the practical skills I've been looking for.

This short video is gold. Thank you for taking the time to explain your own process in the professional levels in which you operate. I have greatly struggled with understanding how to hold disagreement without the interaction turning into an offense/defense. My family did not practice conversations involving conflict, and though I went to university, still never have learned how to do hard conversations well.

I like how you acknowledge the shortcomings of the process and how you are usually at odds with the talker. Doubling down on the time it takes to understand their side makes sense to me. It confirms my belief & practice anyway. Good video!

This distinction is likely to come across as squirrely to someone who is demanding satisfaction. They want more than detached acknowledgment of what they feel and what they need. I suggest "what would it mean to you to have this thing you demand, and why is it so important right now?". This opens up a larger space in which to find solutions. Also, I find too many people too ready to jump to "agree to disagree", which is in fact the failure to connect. People become amazingly innovative when relaxed and freed from the fight flight condition. So it's not limited to that we can or cannot do what they demand.

Thankyou! I have heard about using this strategy and it makes total sense.

Wowowowoowo!!! Will be practicing this with my daughter , I try to deliver the same message but we always end up arguing , my words choices upset her and now i understand why ! thank you !!!

Understand and get it is more than just repeating what someone tells you. It also means you know what someone is saying is true, believable, and can't deny it. EX: when someone says Kobe has more rings than Melo, I understand that and know that is a fact because Kobe has 5 rings while Melo has 0. If I were to disagree and deny that, I wouldn't truly get it. Yes, knowing and repeating what someone said is a part of understanding at the same time, agreeing, believing, and choosing not to not disagree and deny something as truth or fact is a part of understanding. Understandimg means making sense of somsthing and finding something logical about a situation, statement, etc... You got to know that. It is in multiple dictionaries

Thank you! I appreciate your time and what you contribute.

Thanks for sharing this amazing video. It will incredibly help me how to actively listen to others in a conflict situation!

Omgggggg. This is exactly what I was looking for‼️

You explain these things so well

Great topic. Clear and concise. Very helpful. I will apply these methods to some areas of my life that could benefit greatly with their use. Thanks.

This is what I have struggled with. I felt I needed to show obvious disapproval or the person would think I was agreeing with them.