The Skill Of Self-Confidence: How To Be Relaxed Talking To Anyone
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Published 2015-09-03
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[ Are you stuck in the performance game? Does every conversation or interaction you have feel like it has to live up to something? Do you constantly feel like you're being evaluated?
Today, we’re going to discuss various ways to become more relaxed around other people so that you can start putting yourself out there and stop judging everything you do.
The first thing you have to understand is that talking to people is not a performance. Many of us approach conversation as if we’re being graded on it . . . usually by ourselves. If you feel tense or pressured or if you’re “observing” yourself while you're having a conversation, that’s how you know you're in performance mode.
It doesn’t stop there, either! Most of the time, we also take a moment to analyzing ourselves after the conversation is complete: Was I good enough? Did I say the right things? Were they reacting to me well?
Performance mode is problematic for a number of reasons: Firstly, when you're in performance mode, you're on the spot. You're being evaluated. It’s similar to the mentality of taking an exam. When you’re taking an exam, are you spontaneous and fun and witty and humorous, or are you closed off and nervous and stilted and awkward? Option B, right?
Performance mode puts us in the mind frame of thinking things have to go a certain way or the conversation is a failure. When we start to think things aren’t going right, we freeze up and become tense . . . and the people around us can feel it. While that may not be a complete deal-breaker, it may push people away or detract from the outcome that you want in a given situation.
Another important factor to consider is that in performance mode, your focus us completely on you: How am I doing? What do I look like? What do people think of me? You become obsessed with your own presence. Guess what happens when we let that happen? We completely ignore the other person’s presence. Would you want to have a conversation with someone who was ignoring your presence?
This is the same for everything from a casual date to an important sales meeting:
The people we’re talking to want our attention! They want us to know we’re focused on them and their needs.
When we place the focus on ourselves, it kills our ability to do whatever we’re there to do.
Why is it so difficult to take the focus off of ourselves when we’re in a conversation? Well, in part, it’s because we’ve got our priorities misaligned: Conversation isn’t about proving something—it’s about connection.
So, what is connection and how do we create it? I think there are two ]
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All Comments (21)
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"Performance mode" I couldn't figure out what it was that caused anxiety in my social life. I felt like I had to be so Impressive but it really not even that serious. Either they like me or they don't
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When I was younger I thought to myself ''If you have nothing to say don't say anything'' It's so simple and it helped me a lot.
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Im almost 23 and I've struggled with this for years. This is just what I needed to hear
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I'm 28 and I've struggled with this my whole life, these videos are a big help for me. I genuinely think that bullying at school is a big factor in why so many people loose confidence in themselves
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Why am I so normal in front of some people but others it’s a whole different story
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I get this feeling in my chest whenever I get anxiety
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My voice always feels strained or raspy or whatever, I feel tense and sometimes the last word of my sentences kinda comes out breathy, u can’t hear it and Idk why.
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Just the realization that my social anxiety comes from always being in performance mode is HUGE. Thank you 🙏🏻❤
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Close your mind to yourself and whatever you're doing and open your mind to feel, hear and understand what the other person is saying. It's about being natural and not caring too much about the outcome. Knowing who you are so that it's up to the person to decide whether they like you or not but that doesn't matter because you like you.
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Please dont stop making videos. Your awesome.
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no truer words were ever spoken
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I don’t understand how this has 100 dislikes. This guy makes so much sense.
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* talking to someone * me in my head: Dont think about yourself. But im thinking about me thinking about myself. What did they say? aw man
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I've been struggling with this shit almost all of my life. I searched and i watched a lot of videos on this topic but your chanel and videos are different. They are exactly what i am struggiling with and they awesomely describe my situation. Thank you so much good man!
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Some people are just more comfortable and relaxed in social settings by themselves. Other people have more difficulty and often need help one way or another. I fall in the second group. I am almost 53 and most of my life I struggled with this. This video had an immediate and significant effect on my interaction with other people. It's like to be set free after a long time of captivity. Thank you so much for the awesome work dr. Aziz.
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😲 i didn’t know so many other people experienced this🤭 WOW .. man you rock 👍 ‼️
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I liked the breakdown of performance and connection mode, but I feel like I can use more tips on how to ease up and get to connection mode. Being curious about them and finding common grounds to express is a good way to maintain connection mode, but channeling the mind to not focus on performance mode is a different challenge that I don't think was addressed much.
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I am 28 and i have struggled so much to interact with people, it's really affect my whole life personal and professional. Your point of view of performance mode is exactly what I was doing. Hope this will change. Thanks 🙏
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You're the best Doc. I have an important meeting in a few minutes and popped in here to ground into connection mode. You're impact on my live is immeasurable. I can't thank you enough for your work.
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Great video. I think the problem with confidence can be summarized in - overthinking. Stop thinking and just do it. When in a situation that makes you overthink, just remember the Nike commercial, Just do it. Sounds a bit cheap, but it does help. It always helps, things are never as bas as we imagine they would be.
