The end of *female friendships* & why the "girl gang" is in decline

I work at a nursing home and basically everyone there has friends they’ve known since the first grade, high school, college…Our generations have just changed friendships drastically.

I love and adore my female friendships but in my own experience, female friendships are only valued BEFORE the boyfriend or husband comes along. Once one of these happen your friendship is done.

Friendships are like romantic relationships. Some stick, and some don’t.

I'm grateful that my girlfriends believe in having a balanced life. Your husband or boyfriend shouldn't be your whole life. You are also a sister, a daughter, and a friend. When I met my girlfriends, I had made my late son my whole life. As a result, when he passed away, I did not know who I was. I only thought of myself as a mother. I forgot that I was also a sister, a daughter, a lover, and a friend. It was my girlfriends who helped me redefine myself. So ladies, it's great to find love and have children, but remember that you are not just a wife and a mother. You are so many things. Don't neglect that.

This makes me realize im blessed to have close and trustworthy female friendships many of which have spanned over a decade. 🧿❤

Some women can do it. I admire those women who can or who have done it. I was not able to maintain any deep significant friendships over the years.

This video came at the right time. My only female friend I have is my grandma. I realized that my “ best friend” wasn’t really my friend and I had a lot of one sided friendships as well. My best friend would constantly make back handed comments to me and would shame me for not liking the same music as her. My friends in general didn’t care about me and were only using me. I also had toxic friends who were jealous of me and instead of being proud of my accomplishments, they were in competition with me. I also had a friendship breakup last year and at this point I rather have no friends than fake friends.

I started noticing how obsessed most of my women friends were in our late 30s, it felt like all got so desperate to find a man to rush to the alter. I noticed a lot of "pick me" cut throat and back stabbing energy. It was quite sad seeing some girlfriends competing for the same dusty men. I even had my best friend flirt with 2 of my boyfriends over the years. She would confess to me years later that they secretly hit on her. Now that Im 40, most of my friends are married or just entering motherhood.

People evolve and so should friendships.. they should always be free flowing imo. Maintaining friendships is like maintaining any other long term relationship.. you put in work, give and take, expect bad times/dry spells, and continue to accept the other person despite their shortcomings as long as they’re not abusive or toxic

This video is so timely! I just finished watching Insecure. Molly's and Issa's friendship was so strong -- they were always there for each other, always had each others' backs at the end of the day, always showed up for one another. And it made me realize that while I have a lot of good friends, I don't have that person that is just there for me like that. It made me pretty sad, but also wanting to create that for myself as well, while I'm still in my early 20's.

Most of my female friends just started ghosting me when I got a boyfriend. One of the girls turned really toxic ("how come YOU of all people have a man, but I don't?! You don't deserve that guy, he sounds like he's perfect for me"). The only friendship that has lasted is between me and my sister. Love her to the moon and back.

I think it's important to try to maintain at least one of two friendships. Last year and year before I was so depressed because I'm a late bloomer so I felt behind everyone in life. I hated only seeing my close girlfriends at superficial gatherings where we couldn't actually get into deep conversations. My life got better this year, so now in a sick way I almost feel more "worthy" of those friendships and partipating in society. I didn't forget my one girlfriend who was much more successful than me but was still willing to be there for me. I ended up treating her to a nice dinner because she helped me get my current job and truly felt like the only one that cared about me this past year and would give me tough love when I needed it, whereas all my girlfriends don't know or care about what's been going on in my life. I used to be really resentful of it but I realized that's life and just made me appreciate my smaller circle. I also don't have all the time and energy to check in on every one of my girlfriends. Just sucks if you're the one "left behind" in life.

The unfortunate truth about all relationships is that you grow closer by resolving conflicts and solving problems. And that inherently comes with making mistakes. The way we live now, in keeping the peace, swerves that conflict all together. So a lot of our closeness comes from legit proximity. And when that proximity is lost so is that relationship. Now I know that’s incredibly generalized, there is nuance. Not every pairing that’s gone through hell and back is going to stay together forever and all that, but the trust and understanding you’ve created in that relationship I believe has a higher weight when it comes to letting those lights die out. (Tangentially, the fact that so much distrust is illustrated as a given in female friendships paired with the artificial landscape of this new digital world really doesn’t help either. How are you going to trust and rely on anyone when everywhere you turn you presume distrust and fairness while the content and everyday stuff you intake is also advertising that?) Really interesting topic! Appreciate your take on this. Always feel like I’m thinking deeper after watching your videos ❤

I have 2 very close friends who I have known for more than a decade. We all live in different continents, moved for work, life changes. But still try to stay in touch. My best friend and I chat every week. To me the secret of maintaining long friendships- is not be afraid of conflict and setting realistic expectations. Conflict is bound to happen, but having the willingness and inclination to work through those fights and differences is actually half the battle. And being willing to work through conflict encourages more authenticity. I can say what I truly feel to my friend even if I completely disagree with her- because I know she will do the same for me and call me out and is always coming from a good place. And that one fight or disagreement won't end the friendship - because we have established that trust. And secondly, having realistic expectations of each other- maybe your friend is going through something and doesn't have time to meet or respond. Letting go expectations of prompt reply all the time or that we have to be in each other's pockets. As long as when we talk/meet, we are open and authentic and I truly feel seen- that is enough for me.

You’re correct about friendships on tv being very different. For one thing, I notice irl girl groups don’t always go well especially when everyone is so different as presented on tv. I grew to see that so many different people are not always compatible in a group. This dynamic was on the shows “Girlfriends” & “In Living Color”. I don’t think it’s impossible, but I do notice that people who are similar work better together. The part about the married & single friends is interesting. I agree that some women act obnoxious when they get into relationships or married. On the other side, people don’t really talk about the single friends that can be jealous when the coupled friends are in relationships or get married. It’s sad there has to be so much toxicity, competition, jealousy, and other issues in friendships. Friendships are supposed to be the most simple, easiest relationships and nowadays they’re the hardest. You even have people who are opting out of friendships altogether because of the exhaustion and toxicity. In general I think A LOT of people don’t know how to be friends. And nowadays people are not as community oriented as they were in the past. It’s also WILD that the 2010’s was all about girl power, women empowerment, women supporting women, feminism, and now we’re seeing a “female friendship recession”. All over TikTok and on here young women in their 20s and 30s are proclaiming they don’t want friends or don’t have friends. Sad because women friendships are so important when healthy. We are humans and have to bond and be social. On the other hand I agree with your other point: I actually do think it’s ok to not have so much depth in a HEALTHY away. I feel like some women friendships are too into each others business (especially pertaining to men and dating) and can get too clingy to the point of codependency. A healthy balance is needed. I find a lot of people are not looking for depth in regards to human connection, but “depth” in regards to trauma dumping, having a personal therapist, a surrogate mom/significant other/etc. The lack of emotional intelligence exists in both romantic and platonic relationships. Overall I really enjoyed this video!

Friendship without accountability is like trying to call a puddle a lake.

This was a really great commentary on female friendships. I have always been the type of woman who form these amazing friendships with other woman at work. I mean I would go to dinner, clubs , parties. I was tight with these woman and then for whatever reason I would leave the job, they would leave or we both leave and we just stop communicating. I still have nothing but love and respect for them but like you say life just gets in the way.

There is no such thing as good life without friends. People who cut their friends because they are so happy with their couple will crawl back crying if the relationship ends. Also depending only on that one significant other for life seems pretty fucking toxic to me. I love my friends, I would never give up the people who stood by my side for 10+ years and luckily they feel the same way. But of course it's not the same when we used to live together, but that is totally OK.

I used to harbor a lot of resentment towards the friends I'd lost through the years but these days I realize that life happens and we lose connections. With the time apart came the healing and I was able to let go of my hurt feelings. I've reconnected with some friends from my youth and though we don't get to spend a lot of time talking like we did as kids and teens, it's so nice to reunite and catch up! Some great friends from your past may come back around and be a part of a new chapter in your life ❤

I'm married with child. Still I have girl(well now women) friendships which are 20+ 15+ and 10y old. And I see them once weekly or every second week depending. With the friend which I've been friend since 12yo I'm gonna open a business soon. One day my children will also have their friends and my husband has his own friends. You nurture your friendships just like family|romantic relationships, we ALL changed a lot trough years of course, but we evolved together so did our friendship. Of course there were friendships who have fallen over the years but that goes for any kind of relationship.