Childhood PTSD Makes It Hard to Discern Good Partners: Here Are Some Signs

My marriage of 40+ years is still as strong today as it was the first day I met her. She was very understanding as her upbringing was balanced, more love than anything else, whereas mine was violence from the age of four. I left home at 14 to live on the streets and at 16 I met my wife as she walked by and dropped some change into my cup. I thanked her and asked her if she would care to grab a bite to eat, amazingly she accepted, this was during the mid 70's where homeless people were classed as beggars, therefore shunned most of the time. We talked and laughed and as she got to know me, she liked me. Several weeks later she brought me some clean clothes and asked me if I wanted to go see a movie, I eagerly accepted and popped into the public washroom and got changed. We really hit it off as she finally realised that because I was homeless I wasn't a loss, as I kept on making her laugh and eventually I ended up living with her family for a few years before we tied the knot and got our own place. She has always been there for me as I for her and I will never forget the kindness she showed a stranger that cold November morning.

The best thing I ever did to heal my trauma was to learn to be alone and to heal during that time. To stop dating completely. Not for a few weeks or months- for eight years. Until you have healed you’ll bleed all over others and may even be the toxic one in the relationship. Take all the time you need

I had really bad relationships until I was 35, attracted by my childhood trauma. After years in theraphy I met my husband, and he’s NOTHING like ”my old type”. He’s kind, thoughtful, honest. He does what he says and says what he means. I dumped him after a few weeks, so scared of the unfamiliar feelings he stirred. We didn’t have the highs and lows, the superdramatic pattern I associated with love. Then I changed my mind, painfully aware of WHY I got scared, and thankfully, he was still there. That’s almost 3 years ago 💞. You can learn to love and be loved by someone that’s good to you, and for you. I don’t miss the drama at all now, but I had to make a concious decision to learn new ways of love.

i feel that self-aware cptsd survivors often don’t want kids. we didn’t have great childhoods and i think we’d hate the possibility of having our kids relive that because of us, or maybe we just don’t think we’re loving or nurturing enough to be good parents. it sucks to see other people, though, that do want kids but are blind to their shortcomings that will impact their parenting. i wish that people like that would pay more attention to the huge toll that we have as caretakers on prospective children and that we should be more selfless in our desire to have children. having children not because we want to give love to someone, or feel loved, or because that’s what everyone else is doing, but because we want to truly nurture and guide people along the path of life. bring THEM happiness, not us.

A good partner… someone who is always there for you, listens to you, makes you their priority, know you can rely on them, your best friend and partner through good and rough times, one you can laugh with, one you can TRUST!!!!!!!!!

Our brain is changed by trauma. By a chaotic or abusive childhood or abusuve relationships. That is what feels normal. So when you're in a peaceful loving relationship it feels like something is very wrong. It messes with your intuition. So we leave and go back to awful relationships because our brain interprets this as normal. Can we talk more about not sabotaging good relationships and recognizing good relationships please?

The hesitancy of her being a parent is a good example that she is thinking logically at times. Unhealthy people really need a healthy partner.

Speaking out of my own experience as a man, I would like to pick up on that household chores conflict. I definitely changed in that regard when I started caring for my inner child. The little boy inside me needed a strong emotional foundation to create space for the real adult transformation. But many men cling to their inner child and avoid caring for themselves and their surroundings. This looks as being lazy, but is a alarm bell for childhood trauma and a separation between self and reality. So I think it is kinda dysfunctional as a partner to "support" these bonding mechanisms (like in 27:00) by brushing them away comparing chores to other household features like "bringing home money" or "stabilty". It is great to see the greater picture, but for me it is incredibly important to even things out as good as possible and to show that you try to do your part - especially when caring for yourself, as this is only healthy. Disclaimer: I may be projecting on this right now, but I thought about leaving it here anyways. May it help anyone <3

If they are still living in their parents garage, she is right to not feel ready nor want children yet. Meaning: children are expensive and they will need more financial stability (which will contribute to feeling more confident or capable of providing for the children) She should trust her intuition

My background and history are different from the writer’s but my wounds, fears, and coping mechanisms are very similar. I recognize myself so much in her debilitating inability to figure out what is true and what is trauma, what she wants and what she may be sabotaging, trying so hard to listen to herself yet doubting her thoughts and emotions at every turn, trying to see and weigh all perspectives at all times and going nowhere for fear of taking a wrong step. She sounds so self aware and willing to learn yet so lost at the same time and I empathize a lot with that feeling.

I have cptsd but remember having SO many nice boyfriends when I was younger, so much so that my childhood sweetheart found me 30 years later. He loves me so much but I keep pushing him away but don't know why. Somebody said I'm afraid to be happy. I believe I'm afraid it'll end because when I was happy before when it ended, it hurt really bad.

This woman in the story is simply a miracle of a survivor. Most people who have this kind of childhood most often end up dead, addicted, jail and so on. Life finds a way

Hi guys, it's 'Mina'. Thought maybe you'd like an update and it would be helpful to me to get a few things off my chest. First thank you Anna for responding, although in retrospect I think probably I left far too much out in an attempt to be fair and not sound like I was throwing blame around for you to really give an accurate assessment. Now this relationship has ended and I'm feeling kind of drained and sad and empty but not completely horrible. Things had been slowly fizzling out for a long time until a mutual conclusion was reached recently, so there's no hurt feelings or doubt really. I mean, a few little 'what-ifs' running around in my brain but nothing that affects anything, we both knew it was the right decision. I see in the comments a lot of people picked up on the situation correctly and gave sound advice, so thanks everyone. I have to say, although my childhood sounds horrible in these sparse words, it wasn't all that bad until I was a teenager. I grew up in a small remote village in Iceland (I don't care if you know this, unlikely I'll ever meet any of you) with less than 100 people, and it was a lovely place and I had good people around me, but I think such environment can breed codependence. But I still love the place and go home regularly. Last summer I even intended to take a journalism job there and that's when I seriously started rethinking the relationship, he couldn't have moved there with me. Then the job fell through anyway unfortunately. I guess the final nail in the coffin came a little before christmas on a couple of occasions when he got drunk. He's always super honest when drunk, always making confessions. The first time he confessed that he had smoked pot behind my back several years earlier which he'd said explicitly he wouldn't do. The lying is more bothersome than the act. The second time he told me he sometimes felt so terrible he didn't want to live (he has a bunch of trauma too as you've rightly guessed), said he tried to get an appointment with a psychologist and was told there was a 2 year wait list! Which I think is deplorable. And then he proceeded to throw up all over the floor... So that was really the final straw. Didn't see the point of continuing since we were both so unhappy and he agreed. But I care about him and I don't particularly appreciate you labelling him a loser, yes, he was having a hard time finding work but not for the lack of trying, he just finished his education as a lawyer a little late in life and apparently there is a surplus of them on the market here in Iceland. A big thing that got left out was his autism, he has asperges which probably affected things more than I was aware of. He didn't actually tell be about it until a couple of years into the relationship and I didn't realize all the ways it manifested. So about my healing, I'm super wary of these 12 steps programs, firstly because talking in front of people gives me anxiety and secondly because of the faith component, I don't have that, so I don't know how that would work. I'm not at all a spiritual person. We don't have all those programs available here that you have in the US but we do have al-anon and CODA, but yeah, still avoiding that. I saw recently someone had translated The body keeps the score in Icelandic so I will try to find that. Otherwise, I go out in nature and that's probably the closest I can get to any sort of spirituality (it's just difficult right now because of the heavy snow) and I have friends that I can talk to if I feel like it. But I think I'll be ok since I'm not a total wreck at the moment.

Believe your intuition! It’s correct if you’re feeling uncomfortable something is wrong!

Stop right there. As soon as she said “we couldn’t afford to live together” I know he’s not all that involved. They are only together because it’s somewhat convenient. I had a horrific childhood and I have a WONDERFUL marriage of 23 years. You deserve more.

Ooofff… Here’s what I heard: He’s laid back and not serious. He doesn’t help around the house. She feels like a caretaker. His love language is “words,” hers is “actions.” Sooo… he says things but no action? He wants kids but already doesn’t take care of things at home. “Out of it” drunk twice a year is not normal. And then a bonus eyebrow raise: Her parents don’t like him. That alone, not a big deal, but combined with the rest… I mean- yeah. It sounds like a pretty standard lazy husband marriage. I still have no idea what positive qualities she mentioned. He’s “patient” and says the words that he cares, even though he really knows her? I don’t see any other positive thing mentioned.

Don't have kids with the guy if you're not sure and if he doesn't pull his weight around the house. Don't do it just because you don't want to "deprive" him of children. I think there's a lot of wisdom here from the crappy childhood fairy but I really don't think she should be telling you how you feel - that you love him - if you don't feel able to say that. Or that you should be talking his love language if he doesn't talk yours. Even if he does tell you you're great, words are cheap. I also don't buy it that it's OK for a husband to not do chores if he brings in an income.

I was surprised by the advice here. Sounds to me like she needs to focus on healing. Just bc he’s good at couching her trauma, doesn’t mean they should be together. Don’t marry the “nice guy” just bc he’s a nice guy. Those relationships end up miserable too. Focus on healing and be alone for a while. If he’s meant to be, you could revisit later. So young to be marrying and not focused on healing.

THIS video fills a void in the spectrum. Thanks for making this.

I really like how you addressed the housework stuff! I'd love to see a video from you about this. For me, I was the "Cinderella" of the family (if that makes sense?), and parentified from an early age, expected to do most of the housework, etc. So I fell into relationships with men who were more like children I had to take care of, because it was familiar. But then, I'd end up resentful for doing all the work! So through hard experience - and learning from same-sex couples! - I've come up with these ways to avoid that: 1. Select for partners who already have a clean house on their own. If I go to their house and it's dirty, that's a nope. 2. Don't start out cleaning up after them. If they cook for me, I'll volunteer to do the dishes, and I watch to see that they do the same (I've learned that this is the "normal" rule). I don't pick up after them. I make it clear with my words and actions that I'm not trying to be anyone's mom. 3. Before moving in together, I make sure we have a clear, straightforward discussion about finances and housework. And I stick to it. Of course, if one of us is sick or dealing with other life issues, I'd expect the other to pick up the slack. But I will not go into living together without being very clear about this. In some ways, it might seem like I'm being a really selfish b-word. Maybe that's just my inner critic, or the voices of entitled man-boys I've internalized, but I own it. My current/potential bf responded to that with, "Expecting the bare minimum from a relationship isn't being a b-word!" Which makes me think he might have potential, lol. I could go on and on about embracing/reclaiming the inner critic, but that's another topic... :) Thank you SO MUCH for all you do, Anna!