The Most Dangerous Person in Dating...

The most dangerous person in a relationship is the individual that creates distance, silence and indecisiveness.

What has worked best for me is not looking for a partner in times of need just as I don't go to the supermarket hungry. Work on yourself, build a life that makes you proud and when you are clear about what you need and what makes you happy, go out and find it. Don't accept less, we all want a partner but not just any partner and not at any price.

Stringing someone along is dishonesty. If you aren't interested in them, someone else will be. Let them go.

Don’t let situationships drag on for years y’all. Bring the question up right away. If they’re not serious don’t waste your time.

I think many women already subconsciously know and can't acknowledge that they already know why this person is avoiding the subject. Because broaching it means it's over. So women hang around hoping it will change. Which it never does.

I tried that. When man isn't interested, he just isn't interested. There is no secret game or anything else there. It was just a waste of time. If he shows no interest, doesn't call, doesn't ask on a date, it's bye-bye from me! There was one man I actually openly asked and he was all like "sure, I am interested in you!" and kept the same not calling and not answering. So, I dumped him.

As someone who learned this very late, rip the bandaid off and find out. And accept what they say. Don’t do a thing about it. “I’m not ready for anything serious.” “Oh, thats a shame. That’s exactly what i’m looking for. But if you’re not ready, you shouldn’t feel forced. I wish things could have worked out.” The hard truth is that we often make someone waaaay to comfortable, in hopes they will feel more love in return. But if most of us were honest, it was at our most uncomfortable that we got the most energized and motivated to make changes. Ask the tough questions. Be willing to take a hard pass when they push your boundaries. It will make them think. It will make them challenge themselves- if they really have love for you, you will find out.

I'm in my 60s spent a good two years with a avoider...when the subject came up I was gaslighted...at my age I don't feel I have time to waste.

I fell in love and we moved in together. Five years later, I asked him "will we marry one day?". His reply, "I will never marry you". About a month later I suggested to him that he find a new place to live as I did not want to play house with him anymore, He did move and one year later he married another woman, That all happened 40 years ago and it still haunts me, I was deeply in love with him and I remained single after our ending. I wish I would have asked the big question about a year or two into the relationship, He was the love of my life.

I dated a dismissive avoidant for 2.5 years. I never stood a chance. She wanted to have fun and anything deeper or commitment meant pushing me away. Such a collosal waste of time. But now I know and I will never ever never repeat this again. It was the most painful breakup of my life and I'm glad I ended it. Future faking is just cruel sadistic torture. why did i stay so long? because i didn't know about attachment styles, about my childhood wounds, I could only leave once I understood why I attracted it and what needed to heal inside me and my ex. Sadly she doesn't believe in attachment theory, she called it a psychological bullshit which was more than enough push for me to end it, in addition to everything else.

Just broke up after 3 years lack of intention from an avoider. Take back control of your love life. Powerful. Grief and safety vs. hope n anxiety. Thank you for the great message!

Biggest waste of time is searching for love outside of yourself. Feel and nurture the love you have inside, for yourself, people, nature, art, animals, life itself. Then you might meet the people or things that are in connection with us.

I think avoiders are cowards mine was. He gave me crumbs time to time, he played hot and cold and he gave me enough hope so I felt hook up. It took me 2 years to realize that nothing will change. I left him 1 month ago

Where were you when I was young and naive and needed this the most

It is so true we already know it’s over , we don’t want to face it and we hang on thinking they will change their minds …foolishly what I know Now is Silence is their Answer

I was in this kind of a relationship. Both of us agreed and wanted to take things slowly, however 6 mths in I did have the relationship conversation and was reassured he wanted a relationship, at one stage even suggesting we were in one at that point. At 8months we have not progressed in time spent together, communication and he is now starting to pick at insignificant issues. I felt he was now sabotaging the relationship and shortly there after he ended it. He did me a massive favour. No regrets it ended and I will be on the lookout for this person again.

This can also happen to guys. I had a woman who was always postponing, and said "we need to wait". In the end I was ghosted. The explanation is always in their actions. Stringing someone along is never ok. But it's also our job to set them free once we smell the fish.

I was too scared of the answer so didn't ask the question when we'd been dating 5 years. I just schlepped my overnight bag/next day's work clothes to his house each evening until one day I cracked and asked The Question. HE ABANDONED ME TWO DAYS LATER. So - 5 years of my life wasted on a relationship that was done in an instant - no explanation, no closure, nothing. (But I bet he's regretted it every day - ha ha!!!!).

Dismissive avoidants want all the goods without having to commit to anything, even if this is mostly subconscious for them. There's all this talk about having empathy for people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles and taking it slow for them and giving them space, and we absolutely should do that but ONLY if they're actively working on their attachment style and have communicated and shown with action that they're moving towards more intimacy with you. The truth is, they like you, but not enough to follow through on plans. They like you, but not enough to officially ask you out. They like you, but not enough to respond to your texts (with the amount of time they stare at their screens while they're talking to you, do you really think they just missed your message?). They like you, just not enough. And you deserve better than that. For some reason it's hard to wrap your brain around the fact that a person can be a great human being and still be a really shitty romantic partner. You get sucked in my so many great qualities, but unless they are actively working on their intimacy issues it is not EVER going to happen. And Avidants are notorious for not wanting to work on their attachments styles. No amount of waiting will turn their breadcrumbs into a meal. There's a reason they keep bread crumbing you, and it' because it works. You keep nibbling it up when they string you along, so of course they're never going to give you more. And it's not because they're evil, but because they're too afraid to get close to you. And fear is a hard beast to tame when the person has no desire to do so. All the advice says that avoidants wish you knew that you relying on them for intimacy is too much for them to handle and it would be easier for them to get closer to you if you didn't rely on them so much. That's all great, but shouldn't we be encouraging them to work on becoming secure rather than convincing their partners to just want less than they deserve? I urge you to examine why YOU keep getting into relationships with the same type of person over and over again. Work on your own attachment issues and get out of your lack mentality for a second and realize that there is a whole world of people out there who would love the chance to love you, and many of them are secure. You don't have to got through this misery.

It is so beautiful to look at a man in love, glowing of contentment, happiness and peace. Congrats, Matt