My husband feels ATTACKED when I share my FEELINGS

You never will feel more powerless than when you’re trying to explain to your partner that they’ve hurt you and they still don’t understand

So true. I had to employe a 3rd person to act as a trainer, mediator and translator. She was able to translate my wife’s language into words I could understand. Then after the joint session another session to help me with my stuck places. It was hell. My emotional filters were twisting every emotional message my wife tried to deliver. No matter how careful she was all I heard was an attack and that I’m not enough. My filters twisted everything to line up with my core beliefs. I could not hear her heart. In session she might say the sky is blue, I would argue fiercely that she said the sky is green. Therapist would confirm, “Keith, she said blue”. That was a real eye opener to see how corrupted my operating system was. Took years to dig out of that mess. I had the emotional maturity of a 3 to 5 year old. All in an adult body.

"You're already alone in this relationship" Wow. Hit the nail on the head. 😔

I remember when I told my husband it hurts me that he is maintaining a friendship with the woman he cheated on me with and he reacted by walking away from me with a shoulder shrug. This was at a time we were suppose to be working on our marriage after he had the affair. This reaction was the beginning of the end.

In our relationship , 1. I tell him my needs 2. He feels attacked 3. He invalidates me 4. I shutdown and tell him this isn’t working/please leave 5. He comes back hours later trying to meet my needs/promising to go to counseling 6. We are great for 6-8 weeks 7. Repeat cycle

Minute 4:20 “The mature person asks…Why am I in a relationship with someone who neglects me?” Minute 5:40 “Are you comfortable staying in a relationship where someone doesn’t care to meet your legitimate needs?” This entire video is spot on.

The fact that I have to play this audio very low is so saddening. I don't want a fight, I want a marriage.

I’ve been struggling with this exact thing for a long time. My wife will try to communicate her feelings and needs to me and all I hear and is jabs. It’s painful to be trying so hard to mend our relationship and every time we talk about something we get nowhere because I have the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old. I started in therapy and have been watching your videos trying desperately to find my way and break through this major barrier in our marriage.

After 20 year's of trying to express this to my husband he finally understands. You helped us break emotional walls we both built. I never blamed him in 20 year's. We always had the love but now we have the ability to communicate. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. ❤

The worse when the person, man or woman see you getting upset and they walk away. The resentment grows so much that we don’t even feel like having any contact. If your woman isn’t touching you, she has resentment built up.

At a certain point you get tired of walking on egg shells and being the only one trying to fix things. Its ok to leave!

As a person in that exact pursuer/avoided relationship, I used the communication techniques (when this happens, I feel xyz), but my partner still feels attacked, deflects, or continues to avoid. I am starting to also avoid. I can see that this relationship is unhealthy and and I am on a path of self-healing and focusing on myself.

I had this discussion with him yesterday. I asked him to please focus on my feelings with compassion (since he actually did something big to hurt me, little things don’t need addressing), instead on focusing on HIS feelings of his wrongdoing and guilt. His face changed and softened. I was almost in shock! I was so proud of him for this, and will continue to tell him how proud of him I am of all the great things he does. I used to emasculate without even knowing, and prayed (pray) that God shows me when I do. Always easier to point fingers, and while he’s the bigger problem, I can change for the better to be a more supportive wife without being a doormat.

OMG! The canoe analogy in a relationship is the best analogy I’ve ever heard somebody use to describe a relationship where only one person is doing the work! If one one person is doing the work, paddling, you’re just going to go in circles!

Thank you for helping me realize this relationship is going anywhere. A lot has happened over a decade of fighting but today was an eye opener. I had a diagnostic mammogram, an ultrasound, and scheduled a biopsy. I took a Lyft to and from the radiology place cause he didn’t want to be bothered. When I came back, he didn’t ask how it went or how I felt. I even texted while at the doctor’s office to let them know they might have to do an ultrasound. Nothing. No replies In text or in person while checking out of the hotel or the drive home. Know your worth. I deserve more.

Thank you. You explained 8 of my 8.5 years of marriage, trued everything to make it work, felt so alone. He was supposed to be my forever so I wanted it to work so badly, tried and begged him for years to connect with me and work through even the smallest things…got nothing but stonewalling and “you’re the one with the problem”. Finally decided I’m worth more than this, divorce in progress. Thank you for your content😊

Damn.Thank you so so so much for making this video!!!! This video just completely described my marriage over the last 13 years. I just finally told him I cant do it anymore. Im 53 years old, scared, have health issues and havent worked in over a year and no secure place to go..and yet I KNOW this has to happen if im going to survive as a human. ❤

There are words in this video that felt like stones adding up on my chest. The cycle, the "but I'm doing xyz, and he's doing nothing", all the way to now, trying to understand my pieces in this puzzle too. Seeing how I fell into a rabbit hole of bitterness and passive aggression that destroyed my ability to ACTUALLY use give and take communication, listening to podcasts on boundaries and self accountability. Highlighting sections that were painful realities like being a martyr and falling into my own traps of manipulation because I'm at my wits end just trying to have a functional day in my relationship. To hear the one that hurts the most, alone. I told him finally when he was about to put in overtime, we are at the end. Not as a threat, but a reality check that THIS can't continue, especially in limbo for weeks while he's gone. He didn't take the overtime...but this lightbulb moment I expected over the weekend, never happened. He was with the kids, he wasn't isolated all day, he didn't lose his temper. I wanted more. I wanted my friend back, I wanted touch, I had expectations he wasn't ready to meet and I saw myself in a very ugly way become the unappreciative impatient problem as soon as I saw him pick up his oar. I wanted to win the race without encouraging him to start, thanking him for turning us around. Heck I even can admit that I clicked this because I wanted him to listen to something on emotional maturity so we don't backslide at our next counseling appointment, and its ME burning the whole canoe. Thank you for your videos, if I choose to share one with him this week, it will only be because it strengthens us both, not blames. Remember everyone, if you know your partner has a truly good heart, don't rush them on their rebound. 10/10 this video hurt my feelings, and I needed that 👍

It took me 28 years to understand and accept this with my ex-husband. I finally gave up when I realized that if I didn't leave I was going to die, either at his hands or my own. My next go around only took me 7 years to see I was back in a similar place (a little better than last time, but still emotionally barren). I plan on spending a looooong time uncoupled. Emotionally available men are the exception, not the rule.

He literally just listened to this, identified with it, and turned around and did the exact same thing in less than 24 hours