Should You Be Honest Or Polite?

This is a long but good explanation of "all that's said must be true, but not all that's true needs to be said."

"I'm glad it's you and not me." Damn. That actually made me laugh. That is some real brutal honesty 😂

Your videos are helping my social anxiety. I'm always nervous going into conversations. I didn't realize most people are subconsciously deciding who is safe. Shifting my focus from me acting perfectly to considering if the other person feels safe in our conversation relieves some of my fear.

In high stakes situations honesty is better, coupled with respect, of course. I have learned pretty early in my adult years that being honest about how I feel about an important issue might be uncomfortable at first, but clears the air in the long run, both in private life and at work. Avoiding talking about important things because of the fear of confrontation of opinions or ideas can hurt the body and soul much more than speaking openly about them. But being honest is not the same as being blunt. Being blunt is just an excuse for insulting people.

I think I'm a little jaded that the indirect approach has been used in relationship against me in a passive aggressive codependent way. I went through a blunt honest phase and did lose some friends and pushed some of my husbands friends away. I see the wisdom of using tact and politeness with people that are not in our closest circle but it is nice to have a few friends with whom we can just BE and SAY.

I nvr understood how honesty is hurtful . But hey this world full of sensitive souls. But i understand the message. Being honest doesnt win friends and influence over ppl . 👌🏽

I would say tact 95% of the time is the best form of communication; however, there is that 5% of the time where people need to be shocked with honesty. Usually people that are in deep denial about their harmful actions, whether it is to themselves or to the people around them.

As a teacher, I feel that I had to develop many methods of delivering the truth tacfully to be effective when dealing with children, parents, other teachers and my principal.

When you said every interaction is a risky proposition because of the risks involved. I resonated with that. I'm considering going minimal contact with my parents. Almost every conversation is them trying to figure out how I am a bad person.

I should have guessed from the title, these things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. This video really speaks to me, a good reminder not to be so all or nothing.

What I've noticed is that the people that I've known that communicate with "brutal honesty" seem to have a superior attitude. They many times make assumptions without asking questions. They hold their opinion above your feelings, and will say to you "truthfully" that they are not responsible for your feelings. There usually isn't any reasoning with them. There seems to be a lack of empathy in their personalities. However, I have also been around people that I didn't have any idea what they thought. It was extremely frustrating and felt unsafe. I found this position to be more unbearable and I felt very manipulated. In the reveal of their thoughts, I learned that they too made assumptions without asking questions first, and held their opinion in higher regard then anything else.

I find that radical honesty has a place where safety is assumed, that no one is is going to be harmed by such honesty. This assumes also a trust in life... that if forms of negativity arise, that the parties involved can handle life and that at least one of these can stay with the other person honestly until a clear resolution can be reached and people can grow beyond their illusions. Radical honesty also assumes that we can have a level of self development that we can be honest with ourselves. If this is so then we must also have compassion for others before we are ready for practising radical honesty. Yes practice radical honesty; be willing to have courage to know that life will support the authentic movement of your energy, AND don't be a jerk. This could transform our world.

I enjoyed this. This presentation makes a lot of sense to me. This whole truth/honesty thing really confuses me at times in our day-to-day social lives, where we are basically required or pressured into wearing a variety of social faces or masks. In the name of politeness and tact, we often have to say things we may not mean, or not say things we do mean, or show behaviors/mannerisms that we may not feel, etc. And this feels phony and deceptive to me. I actually feel that in order to effectively navigate the complex social world, that we all have to be very good actors; we all have to excel at being able to tailor our public self to the demands, needs, and expectations of changing social situations. Plus, we all have agendas and motivations and desires, so we also tailor our public face in ways to help us get what we want. And so much of this social shape-shifting feels fraudulent. I actually feel like I'm lying much of the time.

Bruce, I think you broke it down well in this video. This was an issue I struggled with since I was young. People used to avoid me because I upheld my 'values' that the truth will always prevail, and people 'should' learn how to accept criticism if they want to better themselves. And, i was glad those people didn't stick around because those who did were the true gems I wanted in my life anyway. But then over the years, I realize that if I were a true wordsmith, I would be able to get the point across with the outcome that I hoped for while maintaining good rapport. That's where learning to communicate truly comes in because a language is merely a tool but being creative in yielding meaningful outcomes is an art. When we think we should rush to 'speak the truth', our minds are still very elementary or is still too poor in processing the complex and dynamic situations in order to create a great 'message'. With a simple mind, we think that there is only one message, one way to say something in any one particular situation. Often, there is no anticipation of the results as the mind obsesses about having the thoughts purged. A concept applied so widely; in any work we do, we do it better when we have given it more consideration, meaning and edit. So let our speech be made of good work.

People will always forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou. 🤔🤔🤔

I think people who are more literal tend to be more brutally honest. They tend to be more blunt and also prefer people who are blunt with them. That was the value I idealized in my youth. As I have gotten older, I have seen that there are strengths in both, and it really depends a lot on the context and the personality of your conversation partner. I know that there are people I have unintentionally hurt with my bluntness. At the time I thought I was respecting them by being direct, but now I realize I was sometimes just being rude and not appreciating their sensitive nature. I have also wasted a lot of time trying to get these types of people to speak bluntly and critically toward me, but it is a waste of time. It just isn't their nature. You explain it well when you say that people feel the social and reputational stakes of an interaction and that they feel more secure around somebody who will be mindful of that. On the other hand, I do love being with a person I don't have to watch my words with because we both just openly acknowledge and ultimately accept that we are both flawed. If you are going to go the route of bluntness, I'd say try to do it in private and also begin by acknowledging your own weaknesses so you don't sound like you are looking down on the other person.

I was neglected as a child and until now I realized I’m blunt to people to get a shock and in turn attention from them. I try not to be that way. Constant struggle and i feel bad for people that have to deal with me.

As someone with absolutely no shame whatsoever, I can truly appreciate watching a brutally honest person with no filter do their thing. They're the best to have around when you find yourself amongst a bunch of uptight squares who take themselves and their sensibilities a bit too seriously. What I lack in shame I make up for in apathy. I think they find it refreshing to come across someone invulnerable to embarrassment and impossible to offend.

Great video and thank you so much. I have lost so many friends because I have not been tactful enough and end up hurting the person instead of "helping" them. I tell myself I am helping them be a better person. They usually only got hurt and determined I was not a "safe" person. I have become a bit of a recuse fearing social contact. I realize there is a balance and I need to develope more kindness. Thank you again.

Thanks. Now I see the only person I should be 100% brutally honest is myself