Narcissism and Its Discontents | Ramani Durvasula | TEDxSedona

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Published 2019-01-28

Narcissism has not only become a normalized social condition, it is increasingly being incentivized. The framework of narcissism with the central pillars of lack of empathy, entitlement, grandiosity, superficiality, anger, rage, arrogance, and shallow emotion is a manifestation of pathological insecurity – an insecurity that is experienced at both the individual and societal level. The paradox is that we value these patterns – and venerate them through social media, mainstream media, and consumerism, they represent a fast-track to financial and professional success. These traits are endemic in political, corporate, academic, and media leaders. There are few lives which are not personally touched by narcissists – be it your spouse, partner, parent, child, colleague, boss, friend, sibling, or neighbor. Whether societally or individually, the toxic wave of narcissism, entitlement, and pathological insecurity is harming us all. The enticements of charm, charisma, confidence, and success can draw us in or blind us to the damaging truths of narcissism. The invalidation inherent in these relationships infects those are in them with self-doubt, despair, confusion, anxiety, depression and the chronic feeling of being “not enough,” all of which make it so difficult to step away and set boundaries. The illusion of hope and the fantasy of redemption can result in years of second chances for narcissists, and despondency when change never comes. It’s time for a wake-up call. Health and wellness campaigns preach avoidance of unhealthy foods, sedentary lifestyles, tobacco, drugs, alcohol, but rarely preach avoidance of unhealthy or toxic people. Yet the health benefits of removing toxic people from a life may have a far greater benefit to both physical and psychological health than going to the gym. We need to learn to be better gatekeepers for our minds, bodies, and souls. Instead of habituating to the global shift of validating narcissism and other toxic patterns, it’s time to understand it and take our lives back. Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks, CA and Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, where she was named Outstanding Professor in 2012. She is also a Visiting Professor at the University of Johannesburg.

She is the author of the modern relationship survival manual Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist (Post Hill Press) She is also the author of You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life, as well as the author of numerous peer reviewed journal articles, book chapters and conference papers.

Dr. Ramani received her B.S. in Psychology from the University of Connecticut, and her MA and Ph.D. degrees in Clinical Psychology from UCLA.

She brings a wealth of expertise in relationships, sexuality, health and wellness. Dr. Ramani was the co-host of Oxygen’s series My Shopping Addiction, and has also been featured on series on Bravo, the Lifetime Movie Network, National Geographic, the History Channel, Discovery Science, and Investigation Discovery as well as in documentary films on health. She has been a featured commentator on nearly every major television network, as well as radio, print, and Internet media. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

All Comments (21)

@karenstauffer5754 5 years ago

Narcissists can cry and show their vulnerable side, but beware, because as soon as you feel sorry for them and drop your guard they'll slash you! And blame you for hurting them!
@Spiral.Dynamics 4 years ago

It’s hard to remember that forgiveness is permission to a narcissist. Thank you.
@aaronhillsworld4230 3 years ago

“No matter how much we turn up our noses to narcissism, paradoxically as a society we reward it” wow that was heavy.... and unfortunately true.
@serenityheart4368 4 years ago

"Forgiveness for a narcissist is hey, let's keep things how they are."
@SoulfulVeg 5 years ago

"Sadly, most of us put 90% of our hearts, minds, and souls into our most dysfunctional, unhealthy and invalidating relationships, and save the little bit that's left for the people who are good and kind to us." Dr Ramani, that's powerful!
@freethinker79 5 years ago

This needs to be played on national television 24/7 on a non-stop loop.
@gergelyfliegauf5287 4 years ago

‘Pushing back narcissism is a human rights issue.’ Finally somone said that. 😌
@lonjemariesfashions5117 3 years ago

She In my opinion is one of the top three narcissistic experts in the world she has definitely helped me a lot to grow and to heal
@summerwine3949 5 years ago

Fabulous! Her book changed my life. I had been married to a Narcissist for 40 years when I realised the hope that things may get better was my absolute downfall. It took me 4 years of planning to escape with my life and sanity in tact. I have been free for 10 months!!
@CiaraCarruthers 5 years ago

This woman is gorgeous in every way. Her passion, empathy, humour, intelligence, spirit. I can't get enough!
@SeekingSense438 3 years ago

"Narcissists are so seductive that we get drawn in." 3 C's- Charm, Charisma, Confidence.
@cherylverdon3077 3 years ago

I love that she gives a solution at the end. We need to stop investing so much in our bad relationships and give more to the good ones. I'm going to write that down.
@bringiton3457 5 years ago

Yup having narcissistic parents killed my soul. But I am slowly rebirthing into my own person!
@undeadpresident 5 years ago

Having narcissistic parents is the worst. They will wreck you emotionally and psychologically before your life even begins and keep you dependent on them and subject to their abuse.
@Dragonfly_magictarot 3 years ago

Give the bare minimum to narcissist people. Give your good energy to those who help you grow. She helped me heal. <3 Forever grateful for her work.
@joyfulife0912 1 year ago

The dark veil in the eyes of the victims of narcisistic abuse has been lifted. Thank you Dr. Ramani for being the instrument of our awakening and enlightenment.
@valvalvalval25 5 years ago

Dr. Ramani teaches at my campus at Cal State University Los Angeles! She is impeccable at her work.
@Arlene_witha_y 5 years ago

“Second chances are accelerants for narcissism”!!! Good lord! You hit the nail on the head! That’s why no matter how many times i forgave him and came back to give him another chance after 15 years he just kept on doing the same things. I would have gone my whole life like that. I finally realized he would never change. And now that I’m gone, again, the charm is back, again. But i know better now.
@michaelvallone5751 2 years ago

This woman should be canonized a saint for the countless number of people she continues to save from the insidious effects of narcissism. The education, awareness, clarity and relatability she tirelessly provides is, for many of us, a godsend. I'm eternally grateful.
@user-iz6uv1xb4k 2 years ago

“Out of sufferings have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive charactersare seared with scars.” 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻