Dr. K and Aba Atlas on Men's Issues

“The right partner is not someone you find but someone that you become” wisdom at its finest

Shit all I know is I grew up with literally zero examples of healthy relationships around me and my parents never talked to me about girls EVER and they still don't. I'm 24 and I've never held hands with a girl. I've never attempted to talk to a girl or ask one out. Only in the last year have I finally BEGUN to develop a positive self image. Girls have shown interest in me throughout my life but I never had the confidence to believe they could actually like me. I've always felt ugly and inadequate. I'm unimaginably lonely but I don't know what to do. All I can do is keep going and work on myself. An interesting side note - I've been touched inappropriately by a woman at my workplace on multiple occasions and I felt uncomfortable about it but what am I supposed to do? I relate to Aba in that he chose not to see what women who abused him did as evil or ill-intentioned. But it's still confusing because I know for a fact that if I did that to a girl at work, it would be a very big problem. Not that I would ever do that of course. So the question is, do men and women have a different set of rules when it comes to dating and flirtation or not? EDIT: Thanks for the feedback and support everyone! I don't have time to reply to everyone individually but it's reassuring to know I'm not alone in this struggle. I wish you all the best of luck in your journeys. PS - Yo Dr. K lemme get on the show I've got a whole lot more than just what I mentioned above that's bothering me lmao

My husband giving me the responsibility of fixing myself instead of having him hold me up is what MADE me help myself. He called the suicide prevention line for me and then said he can't handle the responsibility of my life like this any more. I never realized how worried he really was all the time. Once I realized that I was affecting him so much, it made me take some of the responsibility back because I didn't want to hurt him anymore. He was worried it would be too much for me, but it's exactly what I needed in order to take my own problems seriously and find a ledge to cling to.

Whoa what a great conversation by two very interesting guys. Many eye opening moments for me as a woman, thank you for openly sharing

As a depressed person, I appreciate my friends who give me a space to be a bit more "normal." Depression is mine to handle. I look to friends for a bit of normal. Whether that's joking about something stupid or going out for drinks, talking about a tv show or talking about deep feelings. Not necessarily a distraction, just something normal.

This conversation holds so much truth about how many men feel. It's not like other people suffer less or more than men. We just all suffer in different ways and under different circumstances. And that's what people need to realise. Men are human. They have emotions and thus they also have the need to be heard and cared for. Sally that's often not the case. Mens problems and sorrows are being seen as less valid since men are supposed to deal with them.

Male expectations aren’t talked about enough. I personally feel that is a major reason why I don’t feel happy enough in life, because I don’t think I can live up to what everyone thinks I should be. From family and friends, to a romantic partner. It feels like Mount Everest at times...where would I start to even climb that?

got me tearing up a few times listening to this... it's rough when your problems are treated as if they don't exist because someone else has a worse problem. ex. sure your grandmother might have cancer, but does that just stop you from having your physical/mental disabilities? no. that's how it feels every day for me too.

This is the kind of talk you will see in 80 years and be like "wow society really hasnt changed that much"

Something that grinds my gears more than anything is the belittlement of peoples issues. "oh there's starving kids in Africa" "oh you cant complain your a man." nothing frustrates me more than that, my suffering is my cross to bear and other peoples is there's. That's not to say we shouldn't collectively try to help one another, that's how we collectively get through setbacks and conflicts, but taking someone's issues or discomforts and telling them their problems don't matter because they're x y or z as though that wasn't a completely random outcome from melanin content of skin color, to the ethnic background they were born into or even whether they were born as a man or a women is so despicable. Imagine a loved one or someone your close to dies and your grieving and someone tells you "that's no reason to be upset there's people dying every day." As though every memory, experience, connection etc. you had with that person just doesn't matter and never did because you don't have it "the worst off." In what way does being the most miserable person validate your struggles as though being more upset, depressed, stressed etc make you somehow more qualified to speak on someone else's suffering? I heard some amazing advice a while back that to this day I live with, and it's that "you have to treat yourself like you are a member of your family. You wouldn't just let a member of your family be hungry, or live someplace that's unclean or spend all of their money. You need to respect and love yourself the same way you would a mother or a father or a sibling." Your suffering is yours, it's a member of your family that is suffering and you want to take the initiative to change it. That is your right as an individual to want to and work towards being happy, hell it's a constitutional right.

This was super fascinating. Like, halfway through when Aba was kind of triggered by toxic masculinity as a buzzword, and Dr. K made him unpack that and bring up this memory where it was CLEARLY traumatic, an event that formed his reactions forever? It was like, interview turned therapy session? That pause afterword where Aba kinda realized that THAT WAS EXACTLY IT sent chills up my spine.

God bless this crossover. Being wrongfully accused for something you didn’t do hits too close to home while the world paints you as a villain makes me want to tear up.

That's the problem with "rubberbanding"... humans tend to overshoot when correcting errors, resulting in all involved parties to feel treated unfairly

'Redpill community, Dr K in prison' That timestamp is a bait and a half.

This is so interesting. It's what I imagined how therapy should go: if the patient gets unusually emotional (anger, disgust, passion, excitement, sadness, etc.) about some words or some concept the therapist mention, it's like a lead -- likely something that has bothered the person for a long time. The therapist should chase the lead, which is EXACTLY what Dr. K did here. In the therapist sessions I went to, if I got super excited or angry about something, and he/she would distract me and get me to talk about something else, as if I had behaved inappropriately, and/or that I made him/her feel uncomfortable. The session would end and I would feel like I did something wrong, and I wouldn't get any useful feedback about it from the therapist. This happened to me with several therapists... and I felt really discouraged about psychotherapy. Glad Dr. K is doing psychotherapy right!!

Really digging this convo. I like how Dr. K gives the control of the convo to his guests. "may I take this call from my producer real quick.", "Can I ask this...", "Are you comfortable talking about..". It's easier to open up when you feel in control.

this is the crossover I have been waiting on

I can really relate with Aba's story here about the snow forts. My sister grew up 5 years older than me and I always dealt with this guilty till proven innocent ideology with my dad. (My parents were divorced at a young age and lived separately.) So whatever my sister wanted, she could get not only physically with her being the age of 12 to my age of 7, but she also got mentally. My dad would hear her whining and immediately set his sights on me being the issue (I wasn't perfect I was a bad kid but this was without exception.) So eventually as the years went by not only would I be "put in place" by my larger than me sister but my dad would join in and reinforce that lesson after she was done. He'd see my 9 year old fist hitting my 14 year old sisters arm and it was over. It wasn't frequent but it happened enough times to keep me from fighting any battles even the ones I was clearly correct on and that feeling of "toxic masculinity" or suffering in silence as presented here was omnipresent in my day to day. You get to that point where all battles aren't really worth engaging in.

Great conversation. About the last topic, I had that experience when my mom told me she was afraid I would hurt myself after many years struggling on and off with depression and anxiety and it really changed our relantionship for the best. I started viewing her as someone I can rely on and share my problems and I got better.

23 here and jesus christ does alot of this speak to me. The most is one dating. No one taught me and im looked at as weird for not knowing or trying. People feel even weirder about me when they know i was in the marine corps