The Lost Maternal Instinct - Erica Komisar | Maiden Mother Matriarch 50

The worst day of my life was going back to work after maternity leave. I have a good career but all I wanted to do was be with my daughter. I'm so lucky that she was looked after by my mother and not in daycare, but it was still awful. And it was crazy because all I got was people telling me it was good to spend time away from her and "get back to my old self." Like no. I'm not even the same person now. I'm a mother and I want to be with my child.

Our society seems to have zero tolerance for kids being around. They seem to want them quiet and unseen. Its sad how many people have almost no interactions with children at all.

Our children are 23, 19, and 16.. We raised them on one teachers' salary in poor rural Northern Maine..Cloth diapers, one car, gardening and cooking from scratch..... We regret nothing..

The attachment theory part makes me think about surrogate situations, the birth mother sells the baby to another parent or is paid to rent her womb, still the birth mother and the baby attaches to the mother in utero. How much sense does it make to rip a baby away from their birth mother after birth? We don’t do that to animals, but we do it to humans. So many of those babies have trauma and it’s not recognized at all. The USA is one of very few countries that have legalized surrogacy. Awful!!!

In defence of early feminism, back then there was no internet, no cell phones, only a TV. Many women felt isolated and alone as they stayed at home to raise their children. I am thinking of my mother. Today there are differences and I do agree with mothers staying with their young children. I think a lot as been lost but we do have more knowledge and information today. Unfortunately not all of it is good. Many animals treat their babies better then humans often do. Mothers and motherhood has not been respected, in the culture, for a long time, and the children always suffer.

I've seen that when women go back to work, not only does the time with their child go down dramatically but they are usually decreasing or stopping breastfeeding (if they nursed at all) and engaging in sleep training methods. That must compound the trauma for that child and make the attachment worse.

Had my children in the 90s. My mom was there for me. Someone who had herself juggled work and motherhood because of economic circumstances but took jobs that prioritized her ability to be there for us. My husband worked for a foundation with a generous paternity leave (a rarity in the U.S.) We weren't impoverished or privileged but I had the ability and support to follow my maternal instincts. What an abundance of blessings. We involved are children in lots of cultural experiences as well as time spent with nature. It all made a difference. But our culture is sick. So hard on all of us.

Thank you for saying it as it is, and sharing it wide and far. Mothers who want to raise their children (and are prepared to cut the budget to make it happen) STILL have to go to work if they partner with someone who doesn't provide for the family. Heartbreaking!

The solution to all of this would be if motherhood was paid. This way they wouldn’t have to choose between being with their kids full time or having secure financial stability irrelevant to how one man decides to treat her.

I am a stay at home mom. My daughter is 11 months old. We are not rich. We have to budget and live within our means. It’s absolutely so worth it. It’s been the greatest joy of my life to be able to stay home with her. I couldn’t imagine not being the one with her everyday and having a stranger watch her for most of the day. Being home with her has also been essential to our breastfeeding journey. 11 months only breastfeeding and no sign of stopping anytime soon.

I tried to put my 1.5 yo to daycare, because of pressure from my family. It lasted 2 days only. I was with her to daycare for 3 days. No one interacted with her when I was in the room. They said it’s easier if we don’t interact now. Also you shouldn’t come anymore because your child is behaving bad other children will copy her. I accepted to try what they asked. They told me it’s more difficult for the mothers. Children cry only 2 minutes. I tried it. My child cried 15 minutes in the first day. When she was looking better they sent photos. The second day as soon as we reached there she was crying hysterically. I tried to tell the teacher we should play together I’ll leave when she starts to play with you. The teacher hugged my crying child so hard and didn’t give her back to me. I felt helpless. I picked her up after 2 hours and came to take nap. She was crying in her nap and calling me. After I saw that. I thought it through. They said she was behaving well and didn’t do any of her usual curious behaviors. She sat at the table for longer period of time and more. What I realized was ok so it was easier for them if they didn’t interact with her while I was there, because they used her fear of strangers to control her behavior. 😢 She was traumatized and after a month still is afraid of strangers. Her fear of strangers used to appear just as a shyness but not she screams. The hug which the daycare professional gave her, might not look so bad. But just imagine you as an adult are afraid of someone, they hug you so hard that you can’t leave. Isn’t that like a raping? I’m so ashamed of letting that woman hug my baby . Finally family after seeing her distressed in her dreams convinced that I don’t need to send her to daycare.

The whole Maiden, Mother, Matriarch is at play here. Families REALLY matter when it comes to raising kids and keeping them out of day care, But with gramma having to work till she's 80 or sick and mom working and the younger girls studying half way across the globe, the kid has no choice. Weird species to go so far off Nature's page and expect us to act differently than elk would given the same madness.

Wow, just stumbled across this channel. Love this. I'm a SAHM with three littlies and this really speaks to me, society is just so unhelpful for me in my role but I know I'm doing the right thing being at home.

What a sound, grounded episode! Loved it

Great conversation Louise & Erica! I resonate with, and recognize what you say to be "true" and "instinctual." I feel in the minority, but less alone for your work & podcast Louise. Thank you for your COURAGE & VOICE!

min 20:00 I would argue it is also additionally the fear for a woman that if her husband leaves her, she maybe will get some support until the child is grown but once she is old she will live with minimal income. In Austria poverity for women over the age of 60 is very high, in particular for those who got seperated and stayed home for many years. Like my friends father left her mother randomly as he wasnt happy anymore. He gave her a small apartment, but as she never had an education she now has to work as a cleaning woman and really barley gets through. Also as she was already menopausal, no guy would date her anymore and as she was so heartbroken she also said she cant trust a guy anymore. I know so many cases, where it originally was the perfect family, with living from one income and the guy making career and the woman being home. But it was always the man cheating and then leaving the woman and some would get child support but once the children were done with school, that was over and these women now have pretty much nothing. They barley survive like those people who get minimal income from the state. That is why I fe started to invest in certain things to make sure I have retirement money in some form later on in my life and also a monthly income next to the one where I am working. I didnt work the first 2 years when my child was born, but I started to work 1 day afterwards and also do more investment. My husband always supported me in that decision and I luckily also had the support of my parents who baby sit on days when I am working. My mom without my father would not be able to sustain herself from the retirement money she gets. So obviously my father has always been in love with her and in case of seperation would grant her the house and another one so she has additional income. But still. She stayed home for 9 years until my little brother was 5 years old. She couldnt work fulltime, as my dad was barley home and they didnt have support from my grandparents. So someone had to be at home, cook food, do the housework.. Overall my dad worked 50h a week but didnt do anything at home not even taking care of us. My mom worked 27 h week and additionally 35h at home with cleaning, taking care of us, cooking, grocery shopping, studying with us, picking us up to music classes friends etc, taking care of my great grandma and great aunt (whome she is not related to), and all that work never gets viewed as work. I am not suggesting on monetizing typical female work at home. i dont think it is possible as it is very often also a human emotional feeling and obligation to take care of the people But truth of matter is if you are a compassionate kind person and your partner at some point isnt excited anymore, you get taken advantage of. My dad always encouraged me to make sure that I can sustain myself well. He would invest in a good education and also helped me with ways to invest my money. He would help me with buying a house and he made a prenup for me as I brought more money into my marriage than my husband. He always emphazised that I should not rely on someone else. Now my husband and I are a team like my mom and dad are a team. I trust him and I chose a man who is very idealistic and moralistic when it comes to family and overall life. But you can never know. Its always important to have something in case you fall. Now I live very well, and I wouldnt have to work, as my husband as an income to feed many people. But in case of his death, or if he would leave me I still have a good stable ground with which I can feed my kids and later on in my life will be able to live comfortable. Not luxrious but in a way of not having to look at every penny. I do believe parents should start to invest money for their children early on so that they can help them so they are not in depth and afford housing. I do believe kids should be taught on how to invest money and how to stop instant gratification and delay that and rather invest the money into something. And I do believe women should get taught which jobs are lucratic but still possible with a child. Like an accountant can work easily from home and earns good money, a therapist can work from home, any job where you can plan hours around your families schedule, where you are not working for someone are awesome with kids.

Wonderful! Thank you for all your wonderful conversations and good work!

Although I read somewhere that stay at home dads don't usually turn out as well, for lots of reasons, I also read that that's not always the case. So, it occurred to me that stay at home dads might work better more often in urban areas, and moms everywhere else, if it's going to be one or the other parent at home for many families, instead of shared responsibility.   This occurred to me because, there's this whole movement now for men to do stuff like learn JRE self defense skills, to get in shape more, health craze etc. And cities will not be particularly safe places of course, for kids and women especially, we've been regressing to 80's and 90's in that regard. So, I thought one kind of male parental role could be as something like a children's bodyguard for their families in cities, safely transporting kids around the neighborhood, and even ensuring safety at home, in many urban neighborhoods.

I am a big fan of Erica, I admire her work very much. beging a mom in a town in a so called first world country without support of grandmas and so on is awful. being a mother in a village in a little bit poorer country is not only healthier because of support of family but of the welcoming energy of every woman and children and elderly towards you and your child in everyday life is priceless. value still is lived there. missing it so much, feeling so ´un-previllaged´. but I am aware every mother contributing with love everything possible to make a difference is doing the change. Thx for this great interview.

Inflation has to do with greed and excess of material spending? What? Where did the guest get that from? Where I am the inflation of the past 2 years started as a direct result of our government printing unholy amounts of money and dumping it into the market, to pay for, among other things, COVID benefits to keep people home and not working, while simultaneously stifling production of goods, services through lockdowns, which resulted in a lot more money chasing a lot less goods and services. When you have more money but not enough things to buy with that money, that is when the price of things goes up and you have inflation! This inflation was mainly due to severe government mismanagement of the pandemic, and now, since the goverment seems to want to deliver the final KO, they are also adding needles tax increases ( i.e. carbon tax) and dumping millions of immigrants onto us, all of which drive prices for all sorts of things further and further up!