The Shame of Adult Virgins and their Identity Crisis

Hey folks — Dr. K’s Healthy Gamer Coaching is a cutting-edge program tailored for the unique mental health needs of the internet generation. It can help with issues like lack of motivation, excessive procrastination, missing life purpose, repairing/building relationships, and more! Sessions start at just $30. You can learn more here: bit.ly/3FDSSDm

It’s not the lack of sex that makes it so upsetting it’s the lack of deep connection with another person that makes it just depressing

Being an adult virgin is not hell because you don't have sex. It's hell because you feel excluded from society. You feel like a criminal for a crime you never comitted. You feel like the outsider. And this only gets worse with age.

honestly the problem with adult virgins isn't necessarily insecurity and shame, it's that people think you should be insecure and ashamed about it; and as a result, they will pity you. It's a negative feedback loop

It is not about the sex itself. It is more about knowing that you can attract the opposite sex to the point of them being willing to be intimate and have sex with you. This is the reason why having sex with someone who genuinely desires you is a thousand times better than doing it with an escort. The first one is a validation, the second is not.

"being a virgin doesn't matter" "well you must be a virgin for a reason, there's something wrong with you" - same people.

"People hate virgins, they used to sacrifice them to the gods" LMAO

Sounds like my mom's advice when I was struggling with social anxiety in college. "Just go out and make friends." Gee mom, I never ever ever thought of that...

Nearly 29, still a virgin and still have never been in a real relationship. It's rough especially being a guy and wanting physical intimacy cause people just pawn it off as "A dude being horny" when in reality I just want to hold someone and be held.

People who get laid all the time telling virgins that "it doesn't really matter" is the equivalent to rich people telling a poor person that money isn't everything.

I feel like OP's insecurity is less about not having sex and more about social validation: i.e. the idea that no one wants to have sex with him because he's not good enough, or otherwise undesirable as a person. That feeling is FAR worse than the lack of physical pleasure.

Honestly, I don't really care about being a virgin. What I do feel bad about is not having someone to fall in love with. I don't really care much about the sex itself.

I know someone who was a virgin at 33. He decided to stop telling people when even escorts shamed and rejected him for it. He messaged a few and either got ignored, or someone said words to the effect of "you're 33 and a virgin at your age come on you can't be" while another told him "but why do you want your first time to be with an escort" and said she might be able to help if he sent her a photo. Umm, no. The triple embarrassment of a) being in that situation to begin with and b) having to share that information with a total stranger just so they know how to handle you and c) being made fun of for it, being rejected by people who literally have sex for a living. It's money for old rope. Imagine being rejected by a plumber because "it's just a leaking toilet mate fix it yourself", or a car mechanic saying "wtf you've been driving for 10 years and don't know how to weld your differential". Easy jobs that would take a competent professional no time at all, and you're being shamed for not knowing how. That whole situation is just tragic on so many levels. He found a few who were happy to help, but got cold feet and said he'd have been embarrassed turning up at their place with them knowing his predicament and probably being judged for it. He eventually found a different provider and just didn't tell them, played the "it's been a while" and "inexperienced" card and thinks he got away with it. Pyrrhic victory when his friends had lost it 'naturally' 10+ years earlier while in their prime. --- But having sex is one of the very few things where you are genuinely shamed for not having done it. Nobody shames you if you've never ridden a horse, or played golf, or visited Australia, or worked in retail. It's just life experiences you've never had. But somehow being sexually active trumps everything else. A big deal is made of Isaac Newton being a virgin, but look at what he achieved on his own. You've cured cancer? Cool, but you've never had sex. Loser.

I’ve become numb to the shame but sometimes when I see young couples I think of missing out on relationships

As a female virgin (26) it’s so bad that even my gynecologist kinda pauses when I say I’ve never been sexually active. They will sit there in disbelief and it makes me feel insecure because they’re literally a medical professional. Why are you judging me? And it’s to the point now where if I ever was intimate with a man, I don’t know if I even want to tell them I’m a virgin. I just don’t want to be judged for it anymore.

I'm a virgin at 27, I stopped mentioning it when I would go out with friends or co workers during convos of that nature. A doctor even seemed surprised and asked if I was religious, I didn't go back to see him again. I also had a traumatic experience with a gynecologist because of it. I don't think she believed me when I told her. I don't talk about it anymore because it seems unsafe and I don't want to be targeted by disingenuous men who are only interested in my virginity. I've never felt shame about being one, I always just thought it would happen when I'm ready but It can feel very isolating in a society that places such an unhealthy focus on sex. Not to mention my self-esteem issues.

Was at a party once where two girls were “quietly” discussing me, one of them was interested and the other brought up me being a virgin. There was instant disinterest that just left me feeling sad the rest of the night. Both girls are friends of mine so no hard feelings it was just massively disheartening

It never bothered me to see happy couples, but now at 30 its getting weird to see actual parents younger than me. The ticking of the clock gets louder every year.

The thing that messes with my head is the way people talk about sex like it’s something they just fell into. I feel like the response I get when I tell someone that I’m 25+ and a virgin is usually some form of: “Really? How?” Which makes no sense to me because it’s like, “what do you mean how? You did a thing and I didn’t. How are you the one asking me how?” That’s like asking someone how they didn’t buy a car. Well, they didn’t go to the car store. They didn’t put any money down. Lack of sexual experience is treated as almost subversive. The implications are unnerving. Sex, to me, has always been this insurmountable obstacle. So to hear that for other people it was apparently the path of least resistance… idk, it’s strange

A thing that helped me to "level up" my social skills in college was bartending putting myself in a situation where my income was based on how much people liked me forced me to adapt. For all the other awkward engineers out there I would recommend.