When People Won’t Forgive You After Addiction

It’s not that they don’t forgive you. It’s that they remember the pain and hurt you caused them the things you stole. While happy that you’ve gotten you life together for now, they will at all cost protect themselves from that ever happening again.

I have a niece who is currently on her 4th attempt at rehab to beat a meth addiction, which stemmed from childhood trauma. I’m currently foster caring for her daughter. I have to say that some of the issues that I see happen that affect her daughter really make it hard for me to forgive. I get to see the damage this is doing to this little darling. When she falls off things have gotten chaotic. She drops contact with her daughter, which then triggers negative behaviours in her daughter (who is only 6 years old). I’m really pissed off that I’ve had to step up and care for her daughter (no other family member was willing and/or able). I’m bitter about the fact that this poor little 6 year olds behaviours are affecting my 9 year old, who has a moderate level of special needs. I do love them both very much, but the impact this is having on my life and my family makes it really hard to not just say f**k it and walk away from my niece.

I would love to see you become a social worker, therapist, addiction counselor, etc in your next career!

Not sure why I'm so drawn to your content, but here I am. Always look forward to new videos. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

If you, robbed, swindle, lied to,destroyed family and friends; its easier to move on with new relationships and those not screwed.

This is extremely relatable from the perspective of bipolar disorder too. The shame of being dysregulated and frightening to others is hard to heal. Like addiction recovery, I found that healing from a mental breakdown does require a “climbing out of the hole” and finding self forgiveness, self love, and radical acceptance of what is. Since my diagnosis 5 years ago, many of my friendships have changed. Not so much because of my diagnosis, but because of the healing work I’ve done since. I am up-leveling and I no longer put up with the bad treatment I used to accept. I am a doormat no more. The isolation post-diagnosis is very real and very hard. I also have multiple addictions, the worst of which are sugar and codependency, supplying self-absorbed people. I relate to this video on several levels. Thank you.

They forgave you, but it doesnt mean that they need to be around you. The only people that can trust you are the new people you meet after you are trying to become a better person. Good luck!

,I've been sober 15 years no.relapses My family never thought that I could change. My mother died still thinking I was that person who used...we lived 3000 miles away from each other. I was .very sad.but there was nothing I could do

I took an Amtrak from Miami to NY trip with my young daughters many years ago. I was nervous. To my surprise a man next to me was in recovery as well. Who'd have thought the stars would align that way. We shared coffees and wonderful conversation. He was on his way to CA to make his last amends to his 4th child, after being sober for twelve years. He had been a severe alcoholic for most of their childhoods. I guess, it takes time and, for the most part, ppl can be forgiving. Sometimes it doesn't work out though. I have another man I knew. His mother would not allow him at her death if he was drunk. He was. He could not forgive himself until he began to sit beside others that were dying alone in hospice. There are other ways you can make amends, I want to say, to live a full life. We are fallible. There is no shame in that. PPl change often when we change but sometimes they will always carry the hurt caused by years of our abuse. Ask yourself, what purpose does it serve to hold on if they will not hear you or see your change. Easier said then done, I know. Meditation helps, as well. I wish you peace in your heart.

Good talk! Here’s a thought. As long as it took me to trust you again, is about how long I hung in there during the dark times. And then I had to say goodbye and leave your guilt in your hands. Trust is earned. Then it isn’t.

There's that old quote: "trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and a lifetime to repair." Trust puts us in our most vulnerable state. You're saying "i fully trust in you to have my back, both present and away." That's huge. So when it gets shattered, the thought of rebuilding, sometimes, seems too mentally and emotionally taxing. I've definitely been there, and I've also been the person that broke it. The last thing you should do is ask "how do i fix it?" As you said, look inward, learn from it. Rebuild yourself first. Then approach the situation. Apologies don't mean anything when they're coming from someone you no longer trust. Become the person that YOU would trust. It's hard. I did a lot of soul searching over the last few years. Learning to be less angry, to be more present in my relationships, to commit more. All of those things (or lack thereof) have definitely stifled some relationships or even ended some. It's never too late, but the work must be put in, and the number one factor, with all change and forgiveness, is time.

Spot on! Its taken 6 years for my family and some friends to understand I am 6 years out and doing well! It's difficult and I have just started to understand and let go for people whom where friends but actually weren't! Guilt can eat away at us and so important to love and accept ourselves! Forget about others! And work on ourselves first! Thank you as always! Resent email hope to hear from you soon!

Same stuff happened to me, unfortunately while it might hurt a bit it is what it is and you gotta understand that you just can’t come back from some stuff. So long story short make new friends and surround yourself with people that care about you.

Unless and until you acknowledge the pain and grief you have burdened them with you will never be forgiven. Even then, there is no guarantee of reconciliation. Just accept it.

Nice to see you Brian. This is a great topic I imagine some bridges cannot be rebuilt for some people. And for others, being on the other end as in the non addict part of the relationship, there is so much fear of relapse for them and losing them again. Or being disappointed in them again. My husband is an alcoholic. And I find myself not even considering him quitting anymore even though he often tries and is soooo much better than he used to be. It’s almost too scary to hope that he could ever become sober. It causes me more pain and suffering when the relapses happen. I know it’s not right, but it’s easier for me to believe this is as good as it gets. I read a book once called “codependent no more”. And while I did find it slightly heavy in the department of empowering someone to leave the addict, there was also great advice in how to give them their addiction and no longer needing to feel the feelings of disappointment because that is theirs not yours. But also being able to love them for who they are. And not taking on the baggage of their addiction. Does that make sense. lol. I’m on nights lol. It’s basically saying. I love you. But I’m no longer going to suffer because of your addiction and I’m no longer going to try and change you. It’s up to you to do that. And I no longer let it dictate my happiness. Hope your well. And as always wishing you all the best with your continued recovery, your channel and all the great things that are surely coming your way ❤️. You’ve got friends in Canada if your hiking ever takes you up this way🥰

This is so relevant to me!!! After my second relapse a friend just abandoned me..... I decided to just move on and ive been sober since and haven't talked to them since. Its been around 4 years

Hi Brian, love your channel! I started watching you in March and can relate so much. So on this topic. I have found that at this point (coming up on 3 years sober), it is far too painful to try to keep mending relationships with people that are “done” with me and absolutely refuse to see the progress. It’s painful to be around them physically because I can feel the judgement, they are constantly causing me stress and pain by refusing to see all the damned hard work I have put in. That’s their loss. I lost my dad very suddenly and unexpectedly at a year and a half sober. I’m doing this for myself and for him and no one else. I will NEVER return to those habits and I KNOW that. It becomes far too mentally draining and like a weight pulling you back. You have to be kind to yourself and cut those relationships off. It’s okay, I promise ❤ I am a little lonely yes, BUT, I am far happier without the stress and extended trauma they would be causing me right now and why?! Why would I endure that just to never be believed? Nope. Do yourselves a favor and just move on! Let em watch or not watch. Idc. But the relationships are done. I tried. I lost my dad who was everything to me and my biggest cheerleader. One of the last conversations we had was about this specifically and he said “Britt, don’t worry about what they think or do. Just keep going, prove em wrong and it’s their loss” and that is exactly what I have done!

The choice is to use for that first time, then the more u use ur brain changes and turns into an addiction. Trauma happens to a lot of people and not everyone turns to drugs or alcohol. U choose to use that first time, u can choose to get help to stop also. Not all addicts had trauma, it starts with who they hang around etc so there is a choice.

He owes me tens of thousands of dollars, then proceeds to charge thousands on my mothers credit card, buying gift cards to sell at pawnshops for cash and stick her with the bill. Robs his own brothers wife jewelry of pieces her dead father bought for birthdays and graduations never to be seen again. Surprisingly still comes around in an attempt to do more damage !

You have to let them go because no matter what you say or do they will NOT want anything to do with you--in fact, they will treat you as a stranger. Move on get your life together a "fresh" start and build a new one with out the addiction---you have to understand that what you have done is really baaaaad!!! And a lot of relationships will be unfixable.