Addressing The Myths About Abusive Relationships w/Illymation | Kati Morton

Thank you so much for having me on Kati!! Your videos help so many people— it’s an honor to be part of the amazing healing process you’ve created here on youtube ❤️

I'm asexual and someone I was with for 5 years would use that whole "sex means love" mindset to guilt me, even after I explicitly said no. And I believed it. It took years of recovery to understand how bad that was. So thank you for mentioning that. Coercion is not consent.

I was so blinded by my love for them, and did not even realize how abusive and manipulative my past two relationships have been...I’m still struggling now because I miss the good parts of them so bad...

Verbal abuse is the most common one that is very difficult to prove or show.

If Jaiden (jaidenanimations) would be willing, on camera or through animation, a conversation with her would be good (or other positive adjective)

Can we talk about this in relation to non-romantic relationships? I recently had to ghost my adoptive parents. When you guys started talking about misconceptions of abuse, I really related with that in reference to my current situation. All of this doesn't have to do with just romantic relationship, but also the parent-child relationships and how sometimes parents have inappropriate relations with their child; in that, they make their child their therapist and count on their adult-child to reassure them.

Ugh sometimes i wish i walked away at the first red flag and LISTENED to my gut!!! He was so manipulative. Appreciate the video ❤️

Another thing is being in a relationship with an abusive person kind of changes you in a bad way. I recently got out of an abusive relationship and I have been trying to talk to old friends again and because of my insecurities being at a all time high I would ask them why they used to like me or whatever and they'd say things like "oh you used to be so confident and positive". I realised I was a completely different person with him than with everybody else. I became or he made me completely dependent on him for all decisions and said horrible things which I would have immediately done something about if it had been someone else. Abuse or that control and gaslighting can change innate characteristics about you and you wouldn't even realise it until after you're out of it. The strongest person you know might become the complete opposite of everything they stood for because they loved the wrong person who kind of took those qualities from them and others might never know it because they aren't in the world of those two people.

My boyfriend’s ex wife choked him twice. He stopped me once while I went to hug him around the neck, bc it was a trigger. So now I either hug him around the waist or let him hug me. I can NEVERRRR tell anyone that, because you’re right it’s only supposed to happen to women.

I fully believe in forgiveness- for yourself, not for them. It doesn’t mean you have to tell them you forgive them. It means you’re actively working to heal those wounds and not allow their abuse to effect you further. I haven’t completely forgiven my abuser, but I work every day to because he’s off having a great life and I’m the one struggling. Having anger, hate, resentment, etc towards him just hold me back and keeps me in a state of wishful thinking or “shoulding” on myself.

I really appreciate that you said that forgiveness is not something you HAVE to give. When I got out of my abusive relationship I coped by finally allowing myself to be angry. I allowed myself to cry, to resent my abuser, I allowed myself to FEEL. After my anger was gone I was left with someone who could not care for their abuser anymore, bc I’d already felt all I wanted to feel. This let me move on, and heal<3

The fact that you mentioned that men can also be victims of abuse is really special to me. My ex-boyfriend basically led me to an eating disorder which affects me to this day, two years have passed now and I am still hiding it from my family, because I feel obligated to be "strong" and act accordingly. Thanks, Kati and Ilyssa, it really touched me. If you don't mind, I have a couple of questions that could make a great video! For someone who is struggling with body image and ED, taking photos of themselves, accepting compliments, dealing with criticism or basically with any remarks about their appearence can be really hard and devastating. How can one deal with these problems and how can others be more considerate, but remain honest and genuine at the same time?

I had everyone around me telling me how abusive and manipulative my ex girfriend was, but I always disregarded them. I wish I had listened to them

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years in college which ended in 2014. I had horrible PTSD for years. Illy was talking about the constant asking for forgiveness. I think this lack of boundaries is particularly hard for people of faith raised with the importance of forgiving others. I’ve talked to other Christians who’ve experienced abuse that it seemed to be a common thread. It is okay and healthy to have boundaries. Just because someone asks for forgiveness doesn’t give them a free pass for abusive behavior.

Another point to mention is that it can be dangerous for someone to leave, especially if it's physically violent. At the physical end the victim could even be murdered after leaving, whilst at the emotional end they may find that their reputations are annihilated and/or they are stalked. There are often many things that a victim wishes that they could say to their partner but can't because they know, instinctively, that it could be dangerous for them to do so. If anyone is in such a situation and wants to get out, get your friends and family around you + look up all the advice you can. Keep yourself safe, emotionally and physically! ❤

Thanks for telling me that it's okay to miss them. I've been struggling with a tug of war as of late between wanting to love myself enough to forget them/move on, and still being able to laugh at inside jokes we shared in daily life. I think what a lot of people don't understand about abuse is that there is an extreme closeness between the two people. Since I've come out publicly about my abuse, I've gotten a lot of flack from people who didn't understand that among all of the chaos, he was still my best friend and I loved him very much.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I felt she took or hollowed out something deep within me that wasn't broken before. The ruminations, confidence, and self-esteem all bottomed out. And before the cognitive dissonance lifted, I still wanted her emotional support. I've never felt so bewildered.

I love what you said about changing your routine so that you don't run into your abuser, because that's very important. My ex-sociopath/emotional abuser and I used to go to Disneyland a lot. He went there with his other girlfriends too (who he always said were just his friends, but now I know better). I stopped going there because Disneyland is now one huge giant trigger for me and I don't want to run into him. I don't want to see him. A lot of my friends who mean well have said, "Don't let him take Disneyland away from you!" My response to that is I'm choosing to heal, and you can't heal from a burn if you stay in the fire, right? There are plenty of other places for me to enjoy where I won't run into him nor be triggered by the events that happened between him, me and our mutual friends.

I literally squealed when I saw Illy next to you in the thumbnail. Her videos were what originally led me down the path of looking for mental health channels on youtube. Thanks for another great video, Kati!

Slowly coming to the realization of how much abuse I've had to go through for over a decade and in only 19. I have no patience for it now.